


after the deluge

by lesdeuxarbres



Category: Holby City
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death Fix, F/M, Mutual Pining, Roxanna lives!, Slow Burn, recovery fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-03
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-07-24 19:25:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 27,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16181606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesdeuxarbres/pseuds/lesdeuxarbres
Summary: After her life-saving surgery, Roxanna wakes up, and she and Henrik have to face the realities of what their friend has done to them.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a recovery fic. Hinges on the fact some surgeries get recorded.

She hears a voice, calling her back to consciousness, back to the world. _Roxanna_. She knows this voice, **this** tone....no one speaks her name quite the same way as he does.

Roxanna forces her eyes open, her eyelids are heavy with the effects of the general anesthetic. She can hear the rhythmic beat of the monitors beside her bed. Roxanna tries to move her head and the relief when she realises she can, is enough to bring tears to eyes.

"Henrik." She calls for him before she sees him, but Roxanna knows he will be there. She can smell the scent of his shaving balm in the air, cedarwood mixed in with hospital disinfectant. He is slumped and asleep in the chair beside her. She feels so weak, and her mouth is so dry, speaking is difficult. Her voice is barely a breath of sound.

But he hears it, and Henrik is startled awake immediately. "Roxanna." His face is grief-stricken and weary, but there joy and wonder in his expression too. He moves towards her bedside and grabs her hand. "You're awake." He seems to want to say more but he is overcome with emotion and grief, so he ducks he head down to kiss her fingers.

Roxanna can feel his tears fall onto her hand and she can see his shoulders shaking as he struggles to contain the emotion that is surging within him. He opens her hand to kiss the inside of her palm. She moves her hand from his lips and cups his cheek, running her thumb along the side of his face. Roxanna's vision is blurred at the sight of him so broken, and she knows, she is crying too.

Roxanna tries to push his head upwards to that she can see his face, but her arm is too weak. Henrik understands and lifts his head to look at her face.

The significance of her moving her arm is not lost on him, and he seems nearly overwhelmed again. He leans his elbow on the bed, with her hand still on his cheek, his own hand covering hers

"I'm sorry." He whispers, "I'm so sorry Roxanna, I should have listened to you.

“Henrik”, she whispers hoarsely her mouth felt like razor blades. He understands her immediately and leaves her side to find a water jug to pour her glass.

She lifts her head slightly to sip from the straw he holds for her.

"What happened? I remember waking up before and not being able to move."

He places the cups on the tray table and returns to her side.

“After the accident, you had surgery. John went in to fix the haematoma and repair a tear. I just had a bad feeling about your surgery. I couldn't ignore it any longer. I watched the recording, when John repaired the tear, he purposely didn't cut the temporary ligature. It left you in the locked in state.”

“As soon as I realised, I raised the alarm. John is gone.....no one is really sure where....I called Guy Self personally to come to help you. He removed the ligature and restored blood flow. You've been in an induced coma for 4 days to help you heal.”

“I was calling out for you....you heard me. Thank you.”

He clasps her hand tightly and rubs her palm along his cheek. “Don't thank me. I let him do this do you. I'm so sorry. It felt wrong but I let him carry on anyway. I heard you, but I didn't listen.” There is a hitch in his voice.

“He fooled us both Henrik. It's not your fault. We loved him and used it to fool us both.“Her eyes are filled with tears again now. _Oh John, how could you?_ She doesn't have the energy to be angry at him yet, she knows the rage will come later. All she think about now, is how; hurt and betrayed she felt. John knew, how much her mother's illness had affected her. How it had shaped her whole life, her determination and ambition to be the best surgeon she could be.…all those long talks when they were students. And yet, with that knowledge, he would still do this to her. Cripple her, maybe beyond repair, perhaps the intention was to let her eventually die. The pain of the betrayal was causing her heart to beat faster and faster. The thought of being murdered by John, a person she trusted and loved, was causing her hands to shake.

“I'm so glad you're awake.” And Henrik. How he must be feeling, he had been just as betrayed as she had. And the guilt will eat at him, perhaps tear him apart. _I won't let it. I won't let John destroy anything else._ The need to hold him was suddenly overwhelming, but she still didn't have the strength to pull him closer to her.

“Henrik. Will you hold me?“ His face, which seems so damaged and weary, softens at her request. He buries his head into her shoulder as her wraps his arms around her, "I would do anything for you. Anything, you hear. Just ask." His voice is croaky and Roxanna understands exactly why. Her arms still feel heavy and weak but she can just about rest them on his back. Her hands clench around the fabric of his jumper.

“I don't know what I would do if I lost you.” Roxanna feels her heart constrict from his words. She knows how he feels, all they had now was each other. With David gone and John as good as gone, they were all that was left. She tries to pull him closer but she doesn't have to, Henrik is already tightening his hold on her and he presses a gentle kiss on her temple.

Roxanna is unsure how long they stayed that way, but they're interupted by the arrival of Essie di Luca.

“Roxanna!”, she exclaims “You're awake.”

“Yes, it would appear so.” Roxanna gives Essie a small smile over the top of Henrik's shoulder.

“Nurse di Luca, would you page Mr Self please and let him know Ms MacMillan is awake.” Henrik reluctantly relinquishes his hold on her and Essie grabs her opportunity to squeeze Roxanna's hand.

“Yes, of course.” , Essie beams at Roxanna with relief, “You don't know how many people have been worried about you. I'm so relieved you're awake.” Roxanna smiles back at her tiredly. Essie quickly exits the ITU room to page Guy.

“She's right, there have been many people who have been asking about you.” He looks at her face and notices her eyes are becoming droopy.

“You're tired. I've worn you out.” Henrik looks guilty for overexcerting her so quickly after waking up.

“It's ok, I don't think I was ready to see anyone but you when I woke up. But I know if I don't stay awake until Guy gets here, you're going to be in trouble for not paging him immediately. Neurosurgeons can be finicky like that.”

Henrik has interwined their fingers together, offers her a small smile and kisses her hand.

In the end she does manage to stay awake for Guy's arrival. Even makes it through all of his questions and assessments. Guy shoots Henrik a filthy glare when he realises how much has been revealed to Roxanna about recent events and exactly how long she had been awake before he was paged.

“You, should have waited for me. The initial assessment is cruicial in determining the possible extent of damage.” Henrik seems impervious to Guy's glare and continues to hold Roxanna's hand and look at her watchfully.

Guy let's out a frustrated sigh and continues his assessment.

“Do you remember the events leading up to accident?”

“Yes. I went to Albie's to meet John. I confronted him with all the information I had found. About the trial and how it had to stop.…I think he knew all along it was flawed. But he was determined to write his name in the history books, when I realised he couldn't be talked around, I left. I told him I was going to tell Henrik.”

Roxanna pauses now, to compose herself a little. The next part will be hard to talk about. Not just for her but for Henrik too.

“What happened next?”

She can feel Henrik's hand tighten around hers already.

“I remember leaving via the back entrance of Albie's, it's closer to hospital. John came after me, he tried to grab me to get me to come back to the pub. But I told him we were done and pushed him away.”

Henrik can see she was becoming visibly upset now. Her voice, still weak from the anaesthesia was wavering and her eyes were watery from remembering everything that had transpired.

“Is this really necessary, Mr Self? You can see her memory is intact.”

“I need to do a full assessment, Mr Hanssen. The events leading directly up to the event is part of that.” Guy did sound apologetic. Well, as apologetic as Guy could sound.

“Can you continue Ms MacMillan?”

Roxanna takes a deep breath to gather herself before she attempts to comtinue. “I continued to make my way back to the hospital, when I felt him grab me again. This time he had full hold and he pushed me against the wall. I told him he was scaring me. He said that if I went against him, I would regret it. I pushed him away and ran. I think I looked back to make sure he wasn't following me. And then…...nothing. ”

She can feel the tears are running freely down her face now, and she can barely see anything her vision is so blurred. Roxanna can just make out Henrik reaching for his handkerchief and feels the cloth on her face as he wipes away her tears.

As her vision clears, she can see Henrik's expression. The rage on his face is unmistakable but his eyes are also wet. His hands are shaky as they gently clean her face. _Don't Henrik. This is not your fault, don't let him continue to hurt us._

“I know that was difficult, Roxanna. Thank you. Well, it's very early days but so far your prognosis is looking good. We'll have to wait and see, to determine any lasting physical effects. Your cognitive function seems to be intact. ”

“Thank you Guy.”

“You know how this goes, Roxanna. Listen to your body. Don't overexhert yourself too soon, it will hold back your recovery.”

“Yes, I know, I need to rest a lot.” She can already feel her eyes become heavy, and the call of sleep was becoming harder and harder to fight.

“I'll check up on you in a few hours.”

As Guy leaves, there is a silence between Henrik and Roxanna left alone, to both mull over their thoughts.

It's Roxanna who speaks first. “Who was driving the car?”

“What?” Henrik is confused by the question, it was not at all what he thought she was going to say.

“The car that hit me. Who was driving it?”

“Oh….Dr Chowdhury.” Henrik tries not to let himself resent her. It was a genuine accident. There was no way for Meena to have known the events leading up to Roxanna running into the car park.

“Henrik.”, her voice is fading, as she can no longer can fight the after effects of the anaesthesia. He strokes the inside of hand to soothe her, to let her know he'll be here when she wakes again .

“I want to speak to her. She must feel awful…...next time…. I'm awake.”

“Shhh….ok, I'll get her next time. Just rest. Everything is going to be fine. I promise.” He uses his other hand to stroke the side her face and it's enough to lull her completely into sleep.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm relatively new to writing fic. My first foray was only less than 2 weeks ago, so a multi-chapter fic seems like a crazy scary adventure. I'll try to not have too much time between chapters but it'll all depend on how well the words flow out of me.

The next time Roxanna wakes, she feels less groggy and more alert to her surroundings.

Henrik is still a slumped figure asleep by her bedside, and her heart aches at the sight of him. He's still wearing the same clothes as when she was last awake. She doesn't have the heart to wake him yet. _He probably needs as much rest as I do._

Roxanna goes through the motions of trying to assess herself. She can lift her arms slightly and move her fingers. Roxanna thinks she can wriggle her toes, but she can't see from her position. She was able to last time, so she isn't too concerned. Roxanna tries to focus, her body certainly aches from all the surgeries, and there is a gentle throbbing in her head which is not totally unexpected, considering. But it's a dull ache and not specific. To her relief, there aren't any obvious signs of numbness or tingling.

“Stop it.” The stern voice startles her slightly until she recognises it's unmistakable timbre.

Henrik is awake and watching her from his chair. He stands up and straightens he clothes a little before approaching her bed.

“Stop trying to be your own consultant.”

“You know I can't help it.”

“Try harder. I am certain those activities fall under the category of overexertion.….Roxanna, you must do nothing that may potentially hamper your recovery. Trying out your limbs unsupervised can cause more harm.”

“I think, you're being a little dramatic Henrik. It's not like; I tried to get up and leave my bed…..I hadn't even gotten to that stage yet.”

“Roxanna!”

“I'm joking! Even I'm not that foolish Henrik.”

His face softens completely, as he reaches over to stroke her face. She can't help but lean into the warmth of his hand. This much contact with Henrik was unusual, even for their longstanding friendship. Her brush with death had certainly made him more tactile than ever before. It wasn't that Henrik hadn't been affectionate, but in the past, Roxanna had found, she should be the one the initiate, a kiss on the cheek or a warm hug. Once initiated, he was always a willing participant, but he rarely made the first move.

“You're no fool Roxanna…..you saw what was happening with John when no one else did.”

“Do we know where he is?”

Henrik's expression tightens at her words. “No. No one has seen or heard from him, since I notified Ms Tate, that I suspected foul play.”

Roxanna doesn't know what to think anymore. It was hard to stop caring about someone who had been part of their lives for long. A small part of her still wanted to believe that it wasn't true. That whole the situation was just a terrible nightmare she just needed to wake from

“Do you think he hated me all this time?” Her voice is soft, and there is a slight hitch to it. She is slightly disgusted with herself for caring so much about someone who was willing to hurt her and so many others.

“I don't know.” Henrik's reply is quiet, but she can see the anger in his eyes. “I don't want you to worry about him, Roxanna. The police are involved, they'll find him eventually. He can't hurt you anymore; you just concentrate on getting better.”

Roxanna doesn't immediately reply, but she tugs on Henrik's arms to pull him closer. He picks up on her cues and draws her into the warmth of his embrace. She inhales deeply and tries to let the scent of cedarwood soothe and calm her, being around him always felt like home. It was usually so easy to let Henrik comfort her, but the heaviness in heart refuses to go away. He rubs her arms in a soothing motion, but it does nothing to stop the tears from leaking out of her eyes. She knows Henrik can feel her quiet sobs and his shirt is becoming moist.

"Roxanna…." There is a crack in his voice

"I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm crying." She sniffs as she tries to compose herself.

"You have no reason to apologise. You do whatever makes you feel better."

"I'm not sure crying is making me feel better."

Henrik kisses her forehead and murmurs, "What can I do? I would do _anything_ to help you." His voice is quiet and muffled against her skin, but there is a determined fierceness to it.

"I don't really know. Just be here. I don't think, and I can deal with anyone else now."

"Of course. You don't even have to ask; I'm not going anywhere." Henrik pulls back slightly from their embrace to look at her face.

“Maybe you should try to get some more rest.”

Roxanna finds it hard to come up with a reason to argue with him. She hasn't been awake for very long, but she's already starting to feel exhausted.

She suddenly remembers something though, an important reason to stay awake.

“Meena.” Henrik looks surprised at her request. “I need to speak to Meena.”

“Are you sure you're up for it? It can wait until you're feeling better.”

“No. It has to be now. I don't want her to suffer any more than she has already.” Roxanna doesn't want any more casualties from John's actions. If there is any way she can help the young surgeon, she has to do it.

“Ok. If you're sure.”

“I'm sure.”

It doesn't take Meena long to arrive after she's been paged. Meena enters Roxanna's ITU room apprehensively.

“Roxanna.”

“Hello, Meena.”

The young surgeon is suddenly overcome with emotion, and a rush of words fall from her lips. She surges forward to grasp Roxanna's hand.

“Roxanna, I'm so sorry. I would do anything to take it back. I don't know why I didn't see you. I was upset over something else. And I wasn't watching properly. I'm so sorry. ”

There are black streaks down Meena's face, and her voice is shaking with sobs.

“Hush, it's ok Meena. It's ok. I know it was an accident. I wasn't watching where I was going either. It's my fault too.”

Meena seems even more distraught that Roxanna would try to take some of the blame “No, it's not your fault. It's me; I'm the one to blame. Professor Gaskell said that if you died, it would be on my conscience.”

Roxanna's heart clenches at her words, and she looks up at Henrik to see his equally shocked expression.

“Meena, look at me.” She raises her tear stained face to look at Roxanna. Roxanna has never felt so much sympathy for the younger woman before.

“Don't listen to Professor Gaskell. Listen to _me_.” Roxanna puts as much sternness in her voice as she can muster in her weakened state. “You are not to blame. I don't blame you at all. I wanted to see you, to make sure you were alright. And I'm so glad that I did because I can see that you're not. Please Meena, don't torture yourself over this.”

“Are you going to be ok?”

It is Henrik who answers for her, and she is growing so tired now, Roxanna is glad. “Mr Self is positive about Roxanna's prognosis. It may take some time, and it's early days, but it's the best we could have hoped for.”

Meena looks joyous with relief at his answer.

“Is there anything I can do?”

It's Roxanna who speaks now, sensing the importance of Meena hearing something from herself. “The best thing you can do for me is to pull yourself together and concentrate on becoming the best surgeon that I know you can be.”

“I believe in you Meena.”

Meena looks at Roxanna in awe, not really believing her ears. She sniffs and nods her head silently and moves forward to hug Roxanna briefly.

After Meena leaves, Henrik moves his chair closer to her bedside. It seems instinctive now, to reach for his hand.

“That was unbelievably kind of you, Roxanna.”

“We have to fix this, Henrik. We have to fix what John has broken.” She can hear herself fading now, but she hopes Henrik understands how important it is to her. To rebuild what John has tried to tear down.

Roxanna keeps trying to fight the fogginess to stay awake, but it's becoming harder and harder to keep her eyes open.

“Don't fight it, Roxanna. The rest is good for you.”

She knows why she's fighting so hard. Roxanna has been trying not to think about it, but every time she is hit with a wave drowsiness, there is a tiny part of her treacherous mind that whispers _What if you wake up and you're trapped again? What if Henrik can't hear you?_

Her heart is pounding in her ears now; she can feel her control slipping away as she is being pulled back into unconsciousness.

“…Henrik.” Even her own voice sounds far away now.

“Shush…. It's ok. I'm here.”

She can feel his hand, still tightly interwoven with hers and she tries to squeeze it.

“Please don't leave me.”

The darkness finally wins, and Roxanna is dragged into a fitful sleep. The last thing she senses is the press of warm lips on her hand and the whisper of breath across her skin. "Never."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really struggled with this chapter, which resulted in a few re-writes. I hope you guys enjoy it! Extra shout out to everyone who has been leaving kudos/comments or dropping me a note on Tumblr! It's definitely been pushing me to try and finish what I've started. <3

  
Henrik watches, as Roxanna stirs in her sleep yet again and she lets out a small whimper. Her sleep hasn't been restful at all. He hopes her sleep is dreamless, as the prospect of Roxanna's subconscious producing even more horrific scenarios for her dreams worries him greatly. The colour is slowly returning to her face but she still paler than his ever seen. The relief from seeing her wake up from her comatose state has lightened his heart somewhat, but his forehead is still wrinkled with worry as he watches her.

Henrik feels like the last week has been the longest of his life. It is as though he as aged a decade in the space of seven days. It had been the stuff of nightmares when Henrik had discovered what John had done. From then on, it had seemed like an impossible race against time. Nothing was more important than finding a way to save Roxanna. Seeing her so seemingly broken beyond repair and hanging on to life by the finest of threads had left his heart constantly in the brink of breaking.

Every regret from their long friendship had suddenly come back to haunt him. A never-ending stream of tiny moments between them on a constant loop in his mind. Moments that could have been or should have been but never were; had weighed on his psyche like a collective ton of bricks more than ever before. _I've never told her how much I love her. Does she know? How important she's been to me? If only I hadn't been so cowardly…so weak…_

Her distress before she succumbed to sleep had left him deeply disturbed. _Is it really so unexpected?_ He can feel the uncontrollable tremors in his hands and the anger he feels towards John threatens to overwhelm him just by thinking about it. To leave her locked in and trapped, seemingly condemned to the same fate as her mother had been. A fate, a young Roxanna had confided in them both, she thought was worse than death. It seemed so much more than just an ultimate betrayal for John to hurt Roxanna in such a personal manner.

_Who are you? Did we know at all?_

His thoughts are interrupted with the arrival of Guy Self and Abigail Tate.

“Henrik.”

“You've missed her; she fell asleep over an hour ago.”

Guy flips through the notes and observations in Roxanna's chart.

“That's ok. I wouldn't expect her to be conscious for long periods of time at this early stage. The next time she is awake, I'd like to get some fresh imaging. At this stage, it seems like the surgery was a success. I'd like to keep her in ITU for at least a few more days if not longer.”

Abigail looks at Roxanna's figure on the bed sadly. “How was she?”

“When she's awake, she's alert. She asked about John."

"I called Inspector James this morning; they have no news. All they know is John withdrew a large sum of money on the day you raised your concerns with me and hasn't been seen since. He must have realised you were on to him. I've informed the Inspector, Roxanna has regained consciousness, they're waiting to get an OK from Mr Self before they interview her."

"I think we should increase security around the hospital."

"You think he'll try to return?"

"He just tried to _murder_ Roxanna! We don't know what he is capable of anymore." Henrik's voice is harsh and full anger, but he tries to keep his tone low, mindful of Roxanna's sleeping form on the bed.

“There are security checkpoints at entrances already, Mr Hanssen. The security staff have been notified to alert the police if they see him and all of Professor Gaskell's access codes to the building have been removed.”

“I want a guard at the entrance to ITU or to any ward Roxanna is on until he is caught.”

Abigail looks uncomfortable at Henrik's demanding tone but thinks better than to start an argument with him in his fragile state.

“I'll see what I can do." Abigail leaves just as Essie arrives to take Roxanna's half hourly observations.

"Henrik, think you should try to get some proper rest. Her obs are looking steady; I think we are out of the woods for now." Guy has never seen Henrik Hanssen looking so dishevelled and tired.

“I can sit with her a while, Mr Hanssen, while you take a break. I know Sacha or Serena would also gladly sit with her so that you can go home.”

"Thank you, Essie. But I need to be here when she wakes up. It's important." _She needs me. I won't let her down. Not again._

* * *

 

It's several hours later before Roxanna wakes again. Henrik has his head buried in his arms on the side of her bed.

 _He's exhausted._ She looks at his figure sorrowfully and can't stop herself touching the mop of curly hair sticking out.

Roxanna watches as Henrik feels the gentle caress of her fingers through his hair and tries to lean into them as he slowly becomes aware of his surroundings.

"…Roxanna."

“Henrik.” Roxanna feels a stab of guilt at his unkempt appearance. She knows he has stayed because of her; because she asked him not to leave.

_It's not fair on him. He's not mine. I'm not his responsibility._

“I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked you to stay. You should go home and get some rest.”

He lifts his head to look up at her with sleepy eyes and grasps her hand.

“No.” There is a firmness to his tone that leaves no room for argument. “I'm staying.…I'm staying until you feel ok.”

Roxanna's eyes become watery at his words. She curses her fragile state; it seems she is constantly keeping the tears a bay.

“I'm not sure when that will be.” She hates the uncertainty in her voice and how vulnerable she feels. Roxanna knows it's only because it's Henrik that she is being this honest. If it were anyone else, she probably would have made more of effort to pretend. To pretend that she was ok and everything was fine even though she's nearly died. Nearly been murdered by her dearest friend.

“It doesn't matter. I will stay until you feel ok.” He lifts her hand to his cheek and kisses the inside of her palm.

_It does matter. You shouldn't be made to suffer because of me._

"Henrik…..please. You need to look after yourself." Roxanna dreads the thought of being left alone, but she knows it's not fair to rely on Henrik like this.

“At least go home for a shower and a change of clothes. You hate being in the same clothes for this length of time.”

Henrik knows she's said that on purpose. He does indeed hate the feeling of scruffiness on his clothes and on his body.

Roxanna gently strokes the stubble on his chin. “It's been a long time since I've seen you this unshaven." Roxanna has seen him with a light 5 o'clock shadow more times that she can count; particularly in their youth, their conversations often carried way into the early hours of the morning. In recent years, their catch ups followed a similar vein. Those occasions were never as frequent as either of them preferred, and when circumstances fell in their favour, it was always savoured and goodbyes delayed until the last possible moment.

“I don't want to leave you by yourself."

The stubborn part of her wants to object; to say that she's fine, that it's OK to be left on her own but she knows Henrik won't believe her and she's not sure that she would want him to.

“Maybe I can ask Essie to keep me company for a little bit? I'll probably be mostly asleep anyway." Roxanna tries to keep to tone firm and confident. She knows this is the only way Henrik will compromise. And if she's truly honest with herself, it's probably the only way she can deal with his absence at the moment.

"Roxanna, you don't have to be brave. I want to help you. I need to help you."

"You are! I promise you are helping me. And I'm so grateful to have you! But I need you to look after yourself too. Please?"

"Only if you're sure. I'll be quick." Henrik doesn't look entirely happy with the prospect but is willing to defer to her will in this matter. Perhaps he can sense how hard she was trying to put on a front. She reaches her arms out towards him, and he quickly enfolds her into his embrace.

“Is there anything I can bring you? Something from home?" She can feel his breath on her hair.

“Not yet. When I move onto a ward, I'll probably need some things.” The warmth of his arms is so soothing; she tries to bury her head deeper into his chest. She can feel herself relax against him. Henrik's fingers stroke her hair gently and Roxanna cannot stop the sigh that escapes her mouth.

"You were afraid to go to sleep...earlier," Henrik speaks quietly, reluctant to break the peacefulness between them. She can barely remember it, but the feelings are all to easy to conjure. The loss of control as she falls asleep and the fears and anxiousness to accompany it.

"Yes...I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it." She can feel his arms tightened around her and even though that makes it slightly harder to breathe, it still feels comforting…still feels like home.

"Roxanna. I promise you; you are safe here. I won't let anything harm you." There is a determination in his voice, one that she recognises in him. The determination to make amends, to atone for some perceived sin he had committed against her.

"Please, Roxanna. Don't be afraid. Nothing is going to happen." _I would have said the same. Before Fredrik. Before John._ Roxanna knows it's an irrational fear. _But is it though? Is it irrational if it's already happened before?_ She squeezes her eyes in an effort to chase the thoughts away.

"None of this is your fault, Henrik. But what John has done to me…to us, we have to learn to live with it, And I just haven't figured out how yet." _I haven't figured out, how I'm going to live with this constant fear._

"But you will. And I will do everything to help." Henrik has always had the utmost confidence in her, confidence that she can overcome any problem. Even in the early days of their friendship, when all the students around her seemed to be brimming with self-belief, and she felt like an imposter. Henrik could always see something in her and she could never see herself.

Henrik lets out an uncontrolled sigh. "We can fix any problem, Roxanna. I'm just so glad you're out of the coma and that we were in time to save you."

" _You_ were in time Henrik. _You_ realised what was happening and _you_ saved me." She wriggles out of him embrace slightly to look up at him. Roxanna can read the guilt and weariness on his face.

"Promise me, Henrik...I will try not to be afraid so long as you promise to stop blaming yourself." _It can't be like this Henrik. We can't have survived all this to let John destroy us anyway._ "You know how stubborn I am Henrik; I'm not letting this go until I have your word."

Henrik lets out a long, noisy breath in defeat. "Ok…ok. You have my word." Roxanna feels some of the tension leave her body and gives him a small smile.

"Thank you." She tries to burrow herself back into his arms. Something overcomes her then, a need to say it out in the open. To cast out any doubt between them. "You're all I have left in this world, Henrik. Nothing is more important to me." Her voice is quiet against his shoulder.

She stops short of saying anything further. Her mind travels back to her final conversations with John. How it became more and more apparent, he had been orchestrating their lives for his own professional gain. She thinks of David and how quickly they seemed to fall in love. And she thinks back to a young Henrik. Roxanna had always thought that if he had reciprocated her feelings back then, he would have said something. She had certainly come close on many an occasion, only to pull back because of something, someone…John.

Roxanna is tugged back to the present by the deep rumbling of Henrik's voice. "You mean the same to me, Roxanna. There is no one I care more about." There is an unevenness in his normally calm tones, and she can feel him clinging tightly on to her smaller frame. She can feel him kiss the top of her head.

A silence falls between them, each lost in their own thoughts, but both Henrik and Roxanna are calmed and lightened to know there is a future somewhere beyond this haze if despair.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

Essie means well. She really does. But Roxanna can't but help blocking out some of the mindless chatter Essie provides as she is taken for another CT scan. They haven't passed a huge amount of hospital staff, and for that she is grateful. She hates the idea of having to answer any questions. The Holby staff are a tight-knit team, but the idea of having to make small talk with any of them sends an anxious shiver through her body. Although the staff have always been kind and friendly, Roxanna remembers the sad, pitying looks directed at her in the wake of David's death. It looks that used to say _Did you know? Did you know your friend's son was out to get you?_ Now she imagines those very same people will carry looks that will say _Did you know? Your friend wanted you dead?_

“…Roxanna. Are you listening to me?”

“Oh, I'm sorry, Essie. What did you say?”

“Mr Self said we can take out the feeding tube today. And he's requested you start physical therapy sometime at the end of the week.”

“That's great. Thank you, Essie.”

"Henrik said he would be back in a couple of hours. Would you like me to get someone to sit with you or can I get you anything?" Essie continues talking as she wheels Roxanna to her newer room on HDU.

“No thank you, Essie.” She helps Roxanna into her bed before leaving to attend to other patients.

It's an arrangement that had worked well in last week or so. And Roxanna now feels more comfortable at being left alone. Essie always asks if she'd like another visitor. Serena, Sacha or anyone else she may want to see, but Roxanna always declines. She does request that the door is never is closed. No matter the time of day.

The first time she had woken up alone when the door had been left shut, had sent her into a downward spiral of anxiety. She couldn't tell from her bed if the door was actually locked or not, but her mind had automatically assumed the worse. Gripped with fear, she had frantically tried to leave her bed to check. Pulling at the lines and tubes attached to her body. The monitor alarms immediately began to sound as they could no longer detect her vitals. Pushing herself from the bed, her legs, still weak, protested at the excessive movement. Luckily for her, Henrik had chosen that precise moment to visit.

“What are you doing?!” Henrik's alarmed voice had woken her from the panic induced haze. Her bare feet had only just touched the cold floor of the hospital room. In her rush to leave her bed and open the door, she hadn't even noticed Henrik quietly enter her room.

"Henrik."

The monitors were blaring now and demanding attention.

"…I'm sorry. I thought I was trapped. Locked-in." Roxanna's voice was uneven, and her unsteady hands grip the side of the bed in an attempt to regain control.

His face crumbles as he understands her meaning. He approaches her and gently squeezed her shoulders.

“It's OK Roxanna. You're fine. You're not trapped. ”

There was suddenly a flurry of activity as hospital staff streamed into her room for the perceived emergency.

"Everything's fine. It's just a misunderstanding." Henrik asks only one nurse to stay to reattach all the equipment, dismissing the rest of the staff, and he does his best to calm and reassure Roxanna.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry Henrik. I didn't mean to cause a fuss."

“There is no need to apologise.” His voice betrayed his concern and Roxanna, more than ever felt like such a burden on her old friend. She tries to make more an effort to control her anxieties after that incident. But it isn't always within her abilities to manage.

 

* * *

 

Roxanna's moods have fluctuated so widely, Henrik finds it hard to keep up. There are long periods they spend together when it seems like the accident hasn't happened. Where the conversation flows so naturally and easily between them, Henrik forgets how worried he has been.

Then there are times when Henrik visits for hours and Roxanna will hardly say anything at all. She'll bury herself in his arms; face pressed tightly into his chest. Sometimes she'll cry, overwhelmed with all her emotions. Other times she'll be so lost her thoughts, he has to pull her back to present with some unimportant minutia he has observed from around the hospital.

It seemed even though her physical rehabilitation couldn't be better, the emotional aspect of her recovery was going to take a lot more work.

“Roxanna….where are you?” She has a distant expression on her face that is becoming more and more familiar to Henrik.

“Far away.”

“Tell me where.”

“Boston….1987.”

After all that had happened to them, it seemed natural for Roxanna's mind to drift to the place where it all started.

“Do you remember the day we met?”

It was difficult to forget the day that changed his life so completely. Watching Roxanna's curiosity in full force as she asked….no, demanded John justify his radical point of view. She seemed so fearless at that moment, unwilling to bend her will to anyone.

“Of course.”

“I thought John was just trying to be different because he was pretentious.” John had always tried to stand out from the pack and be noticed, whereas he and Roxanna had found contentment at being quietly brilliant. They both wanted the quality of their work to speak for itself. Brashness and reckless had always been John's forte. Neither of them had realised just how easy it would be for the ambition that defined John for so long, would eventually result in his ultimate undoing.

“He was always difficult. I don't think it's wrong to have described him as pretentious.”

“You said you liked my bag.”

“I remember." He strokes her arms soothingly and whispers into her ear. “…Roxanna. What can I do? What can I say? Tell me how to help.”

"There is nothing you can say. And you do are doing everything I need from you." She says it softly, but her implication is clear. The rest Roxanna must work through herself.

Guy pulls him aside after Roxanna has fallen back to sleep.

“I'd like to recommend a psych evaluation.”

“Excuse me?!”

“Now, hear me out. I think she needs counselling. Professional help. All the staff looking after her have observed her periods of despondency. Her lack of willingness to really engage with anyone other than you.”

“I'm sure you can imagine, trust has become an important issue. But she isn't going to kill herself!”

“I understand, and I don't think she would either. But there are have been clear signs of depression. She's made pretty much a miraculous recovery. Let's not let have anything hold her back; we'll ensure she has everything she needs to back to the brilliant surgeon she is.”

“She may fight you on it.”

“I know. That's why I'm relying on your support. It doesn't have to be immediately, but the sooner, the better. I think, perhaps a week or two after we settle her into Keller.”

Roxanna will hate that. Hate the thought of others knowing such personal details about her. Watching her, gossiping about the mad neurosurgeon who tried to kill his best friend, only to end up driving her mad instead.

“Henrik. I think it's pretty clear to you and me; she is suffering from the early signs PTSD. I would rather we help her sooner before it gets any worse.”

“I'd like to speak to her first.” Henrik is already thinking strategy. How best to present his argument to Roxanna.

"I was rather hoping you would say that."

He waits until after they take out Roxanna's feeding tube. They bring her some soup to try to get her digestive system accustomed to eating again. Henrik feels a little guilty for bringing up the subject while she is enjoying her first proper meal in weeks.

"How does it taste?"

"I'm afraid the lack of food for the past few weeks, hasn't changed my opinion of hospital cuisine."

He smiles fondly at her. "I don't think its the fact that its hospital food, but rather the lack of saturated fats that really puts you off."

"I'm not that bad!….Not anymore, not as much as I was when we were students." She knows why of course. David… her darling David would often frown at her food choices. Pepper her with statistics on the incidence of cardiac events and the correlation with diets high in saturated fats. He would make six monthly appointments to have her blood drawn and check her heart whenever she happened to be in the vicinity of his office. In the end, she had acquiesced, not wanting to be the source of his worry. _How cruel was our fate in the end? That it would be your heart that would ultimately give up and not mine._

"I remember David asking me once if it would be overbearing to insist you have six-monthly check-ups." Henrik's thoughts have wandered in a similar direction.

"What did you say?"

"Knowing it was you, I told him there was nothing in the world that would ever make me consider, looking after your best interests, overbearing. I actively encouraged it. He always wanted what was best for you."

"I miss him." And now more than ever, even after finding out what John had done. How he had somewhat orchestrated their romance, she couldn't take back the love she had for David. He was a wonderful man and an amazing husband. She remembers being so thrilled at the blossoming friendship between Henrik and David. The relief felt that she wouldn't have to choose one over the other. A lesser man wouldn't have taken kindly to her best friends being men. A lesser man would have been jealous.

"I do too." Henrik thinks he probably could not have bared anyone else ending up with Roxanna. It had pained him to see her with someone else. He can scarcely remember when anything else had hurt as much. But David, being David had more than proven himself worthy. More worthy than Henrik for Roxanna's love.

"He loved you so much. Your happiness and your health were always the most important things to him." Henrik feels it's underhanded to use David in this way, but he knows David would have approved, given the circumstances.

Henrik can see, Roxanna has stopped eating her soup and was merely stirring the liquid around the bowl. Lost again in her own thoughts as she so frequently seemed to be these days.

"Roxanna, there is no easy way to say this, so I'm just going come out with it….Guy has recommended a psych evaluation."

She looks up from her bowl slightly startled. "Isn't that jumping the gun a little?" 

Henrik winces at her choice of words. "I know, I thought so too, but he honestly thinks it's in the best interest for your treatment."

She pushes the tray away from her bed and hugs her knees to her chest. "I'm not going to kill myself, Henrik. I would never, not after everything."

Henrik leans down to hug her, and she seems smaller than ever to him. "I know. But I think we can both agree it hasn't been easy for you. It's OK to ask for help, as you, yourself have taught me in the past."

Roxanna sighs unhappily. "That's the problem with non-physical trauma. I can tell you long it takes for a broken bone to heal or the average recovery time for patients who have had major brain surgery. There is no set timeline for these things, what am I supposed to measure it against?" Empirical science is something they both relate to, and it's the thing Roxanna will cling to the most when she is struggling.

"You're the only one that can know how you feel. Please, Roxanna. Accept the help or at least think about it. For David, for me, but most of all, for yourself." Henrik feels her tense at the mention of David, and he can't help but feel guilty for using his dead friend in such a way.

“I know it's hypocritical of me to say this, after all the times I've made you seek help, but I hate talking to counsellors.” But he knew she'd forced herself after David's death, just like she had twisted his own arm into seeing a therapist.

“You're right, that is very hypocritical of you.” She slaps his arm lightly in mock anger, and it lightens his heart somewhat. The upturned corners of her mouth are infectious as he finds himself smiling back.

“It doesn't have to be immediately, Roxanna. Just promise me you'll think about it.”

Roxanna groans into his chest, and Henrik is relieved to hear that it's a groan of defeat.

“OK. I'll think about it.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter turned out much longer than I expect. Hope you guys enjoy it!

The move to Keller has made it harder for Roxanna to decline to see visitors. Nearly all of her colleagues pop in to see how she was doing. Roxanna tries hard to be grateful, but being around people means she has to talk. It's not so much the talking that's the problem; it's the constant struggle to find things to talk about that aren't about John. She can see the pity and sympathy on their faces as they try to make small talk with her. To dance around the elephant in the room, even though the room is the only elephant sized.

Her one relief comes in a form she was not expecting. Jason Haynes with his seeming lack of ability to sometimes communicate with his aunt effectively is a breath of fresh air for Roxanna. That's not to say his questions aren't a little too cutting but his nature is so innocent, Roxanna can't but help but forgive him immediately any social faux pas he makes against her. He is the only one that doesn't try to walk on eggshells around her and even though Roxanna knows it's a trait that is out of his control she can't help but find it endearing.

"Is your brain all better now Roxanna?"

"Not quite. But there is a good chance that I'll make a full recovery."

"Will you still be a surgeon? Or will you have to give it all up?"

"…Jason!" Serena's expression is horrified at his question, and Roxanna stifles the urge to laugh at the situation.

"It's ok Serena. I'm not going to shatter into a million pieces answering a perfectly reasonable question…. I hope very much to return to being a surgeon, Jason. It all depends on how my physical therapy goes."

"Aunty Bernie told me it took her weeks to feel better after Guy Self had operated on her and that wasn't even her brain."

"Well, I'm sure as you know from working here Jason. All surgeries are different in their recovery time. And none more complex than the neurological type."

"Would you have recovered faster if Professor Gaskell hadn't messed up your first surgery."

Roxanna makes a point to answer before Serena can further protest at his choice of question.

“It's likely. But I guess we'll never really know.”

“I'm glad you're feeling better. I know a lot of the other porters were really worried about you.”

“That's awfully kind of them. I know you're very busy with work and your baby Jason, but will you visit me tomorrow?” Serena looks surprised at her request but then beams with pride at her nephew.

“I can make some time. Maybe we can watch television together.”

“I'd like that very much.”

“Do you prefer World's Strongest Man? Or Doctor Who?”

 

* * *

Henrik has returned to work in a part-time capacity, now that Roxanna has been moved to Keller. The hospital could no longer afford to have two of their permanent surgeons off their rota. Henrik has mixed feelings about his return to work. He would much rather be on leave so that he can be with Roxanna as she recovers, but Henrik's sense of duty to the hospital has forced him to compromise.

Henrik sighs heavily as he hears confirmation of what he had already suspected.

“Roxanna didn't eat much of her lunch today.” He has recruited Lofty to help him keep an eye Roxanna's food intake.

“She did have some fruit and yoghurt for breakfast this morning.” Henrik pulls out his phone and starts tapping away while he listens to Lofty.

“Thank you Nurse Chilten.”

It has been an ongoing concern of his, Roxanna's lack of appetite. The doctor in him knows that if she continues on this path, Guy will put her back on the feeding tube for nutrition and it will slow down her recovery significantly. Luckily, he had already started to form a contingency plan for today.

 

* * *

 

Roxanna is dozing slightly when her nose is assaulted with a delicious scent. The unmistakable smell of melted cheese and freshly baked dough. Her mouth begins to water even before she has opened her eyes.

“Is that for me?”

“No. It's for another consultant who has the eating habits of a small child.”

"You shouldn't be so hard on yourself, Henrik. Your avoidance of tomatoes is really not that bad." Roxanna's keeps her tone relaxed, and she congratulates herself for not missing a beat in returning his verbal parry. As she opens her eyes, she is greeted with an amused Henrik Hanssen and finds herself instinctively returning his smile.

Henrik's pushes the open pizza box towards her, and she hit with another powerful waft of grease and melted cheese. Her stomach growls loudly, and she can see Henrik is laughing silently at the noise.

“I heard you poked at your lunch, disdainfully today.”

“I ate the pudding!” Roxanna says indignantly, with a mouthful of pizza.

“That doesn't count. You always eat the pudding.” Roxanna rolls her eyes at him as she happily chews on her pizza.

“I don't like you missing meals. If the food is not to your taste, I'll arrange for something else.”

Roxanna can feel the familiar pang of guilt for being such a burden on Henrik. As if he doesn't have enough things concerning him. 

“You're busy Henrik; I'm not going to bother you with something so trivial. I just don't have much of appetite yet."

"Your health is not trivial, Roxanna." There is hardness to his tone as if he is challenging her to argue with him. "It's no bother and you know I'll just find out anyway."

She frowns at the cavalier attitude he has, to her privacy. "Got your spies working overtime, Henrik? Do they tell you how often I use the bathroom too?"

Henrik looks startled at her implication. "That's not what I meant. I would rather be here watching out for you myself. I cannot, and so some of the staff have been keeping me informed on how you're doing."

He looks so upset that she would think he valued her privacy so little that Roxanna finds it hard to hold on to her annoyance.

"I know, I'm sorry Henrik. I didn't mean to imply otherwise. I just hate being watched and talked about." She returns the slice she was munching on back to the box and pushes the tray away from her. The petty argument she's picked with Henrik has quickly washed away her appetite.

Henrik clutches her hand and leans down to kiss her on the top of her head. "I would like nothing more than to be with you. Here. All the time."

"No, I couldn't ask you to do that. I would be too much of a burden. The hospital needs you, Henrik."

"You need me, and you're no burden, Roxanna. I keep telling you; please believe it." He moves to hug her, and she can't help but notice again, how tactile Henrik has become, as she returns his embrace. She rests her head on his shoulder, inhales deeply and tries to let the soothing thump of his heart calm her mind.

She did need him. Denying it to him or to herself was useless. But Roxanna is not ready to think about what that means. Nor is she willing to ponder, how quickly she's become accustomed to his displays of affection. Minor displays to most people but Henrik has never been most people.

Even though he has returned to work, it's not unusual for her wake, and find him by her bedside. Her sleep isn't always restful, and Roxanna frequently suffers from nightmares. Henrik will often gently shake her awake when he senses her distress. She isn't willing to admit how comforting it is to see his face when she returns from her hellish dreams.

Sometimes he'll bring his paperwork to work through while keeping her company. Henrik talks about some of his patients or the newest problem he has had to solve. She finds she misses the sound of his voice when he's away. A part of her is concerned….concerned that she's becoming too reliant on her old friend. Another part of her tells her it's a symptom of something else. Of a more profound underlying affection that she's always held but never acted upon.

“How was your physio today?”

“Don't you already know?” Henrik has the grace to look a little sheepish at her response, but he can see the jest in her eyes and hear her light-hearted tone.

“Well, I heard you overexerted yourself and very nearly took a tumble.”

“I'm still not strong enough to complete as many sets as I'd like."

“Yes, about that. Perhaps it's a side effect of you not eating enough food.” He stares her down pointedly and pushes the pizza back in her direction.

She furrows her brow at him as she realises how he has maneuvered the conversation. But then sighs in defeat as she knows he's probably right.

“I'm sure the hospital dietician will argue with you about how little nutrition is contained in a pizza.” She picks up her slice and bites into its fatty goodness.

“Oh, I'm certain they would definitely protest. But the alternative is you trying to live on air and willpower, so I think they'd forgive me this slight indiscretion."

Henrik thinks her grumpy expression is adorable and he smiles at her smugly.

"Help me eat. I can't finish this all.” Her grumpy tone matched her expression, but Henrik knows she's not actually angry. He tears off a slice and bites into the rapidly cooling pizza.

“I was thinking maybe I can take you outside for a little while after you finish eating? Get you some fresh air.” Henrik knows Roxanna is starting to become slightly stir crazy, stuck in her room on Keller all the time.

“I'd like that. It would be nice to see more of the sky.”

After Roxanna has eaten to fullness, (still not enough in Henrik's mind but he knows better than to push Roxanna further) Henrik fetches a hoodie and wheelchair for Roxanna for their trip outside.

As he pushes Roxanna through the corridors of Holby towards the outside world, he notices how the staff react to seeing Roxanna. Most of them greet her brightly, and Henrik feels the familiar waves of affection for Roxanna within himself. She has always had that effect, as private and quiet Roxanna has always been, people were still drawn to her, and she was well liked. It's in her nature, her warmth and compassion are given as easily and freely as her smiles.

Not all the staff have that positive reaction though; there are some that look shocked to see Roxanna around and are unsure what to do. The ones that look away from them quickly in case they're caught staring at the neurosurgeon who has seemingly risen from the dead.

He tries not to push Roxanna too quickly past those staff members so as not to send any alarm bells her way. Henrik knows Roxanna is fully aware of the attention she generates and she can read a room just as well as him, but racing past those staff members will make her feel worse.

As they exit the main hospital doors, he hears Roxanna exhale loudly and breathe in deeply. He heads towards the peace garden. There is a slight chill in the air, but the mid-afternoon sun is still shining brightly. He settles her next to one of the wooden benches, and a takes a seat beside her.

"It's strange how differently air smells when it hasn't been through a zillion air conditioned cycles." Roxanna has her eyes closed and is taking deep breathes of the fresh air, trying to savour the feeling of being outside. Listening carefully to every sound, taking in the faintest scents in the air. The sense of not being trapped or closed in is truly freeing for her.

It's such a relief to Henrik to see her physical condition improving. She is far thinner than he is used to seeing but there is a slight glow to her cheeks, and it seems like every day she is making improvements. It's still weeks before she'll be able to walk again, but considering how long ago she had been on her deathbed, he knows they have been amazingly lucky.

He allows himself to look at her closely, while she's lost in the sensations of being outside. _She's still beautiful._ Age has weathered them both, but in some ways, she has grown more fully into her skin. The area where her head was shaved is visible, but it takes nothing away from how attractive she is.

"John and I came here after we had returned from Lisbon."

Henrik looks at her in surprise. Roxanna's eyes are open now, but she has a slightly dazed expression on her face. It's as though she's trying to recall something important. He waits for her to continue, it seems like it's something she needs to get off her chest.

Roxanna has already been interviewed by the police, and while he was present for some of it, Henrik had been called away for an emergency bowel resection. When he returned to her side, the police were long gone, and Roxanna was alone. The sound of her quiet sobs had made his heartache, and while he comforted her as best he could, it was a long time before she was able finally to fall asleep.

"It was only afterwards; I discovered the graft John was using was faulty. Tainted. With human cells. I wanted him to halt the trial immediately. But I let him talk me out of it, I so wanted to help him. To help the patients that had lost all hope, patients like Ethan Hardy. All of this is my fault. I should have stopped him there."

Henrik hardly knows what to say; he remembers the day. It was months ago, but he can recall the day when Roxanna had sought him out, distressed over something related to the trial. He hadn't pressed her much on it; his own thoughts occupied with Essie di Luca's recovery and the presence of Raf di Luca's father.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He tries to keep his voice calm. He's not angry, but he wants to understand why she hadn't come to him for help.

"I wanted to! But I also wanted to help John. He had invested so much into the trial; he convinced me that it would be a waste of the research to allow it to be shut down. He told me he had made a stupid mistake, and I believed him. I thought I was helping him, being his friend. I never thought it would end like this."

She's crying now, tears streaming down the beautiful face he had just been admiring. Henrik wastes no time in pulling her into his arms. He can feel the sobs racking through Roxanna's frame.

"I tried to get him to reconsider after Jac had her scare, but he was unwilling to budge. By then I knew John needed to be stopped, but I was so concerned in making sure he wouldn't get hurt, I didn't even think to consider he was beyond the point of return."

"You should have told me." He can feel the tears on his own face. Tears for both Roxanna and John; and how he seemed to have failed them both. He buries his nose in her hair.

"You were just starting to feel better after Fredrik. It felt wrong to weigh you down with this too. I thought I could keep you out of it and protect you from the fallout, in the end, I think I made it worse."

She had been trying to spare him. Spare him the heartache and the pain of seeing how far John had fallen. Because he had been fragile - weak even, after Fredrik. Part of him looks back now and can see the signs. How cagey both Roxanna and John sometimes seemed when they talked about the trial like they knew something was amiss and were afraid he would find them out.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, Henrik. This is all my fault." Roxanna's body is shaking with her tears, and he can feel her grasping tightly to his jacket. His vision is blurry, and heart so constricted he can barely breathe. Henrik lifts her from the wheelchair and pulls her onto his lap. Her arms immediately go around his neck.

“Shush…it's not your fault. You should have told me, but it's not your fault.” He winds his arms more tightly around her waist as he tries to soothe Roxanna.

“He knew we loved him and he used it against us both. He used our love for each other to stay in control. I'm sorry too, I'm sorry, I didn't see it even after you _did_ try to tell me.” His brain hasn't fully registered the extent of his words, too caught up in the pain and agony to realise what he let slip out.

Roxanna lifts her head to look at him with watery eyes. Her face contorted with pain but there is something else too. He can't quite read it or knows what it means.

“The last thing in the world I wanted; was for you to be hurt.” Even after everything she'd been through with David - with Fredrik, her thoughts were for others and not herself.

He felt like he was riding a rollercoaster of emotions. Anger and sadness for John; despair and heartbreak for Roxanna. _When will all end?_

He can fell the tremors in his hands again as the all the feelings threatened to overwhelm him. Henrik tries to hold on more tightly to Roxanna. To let her anchor him. Prevent him from being washed away. 

He's not sure how long they sit there for; his face pressed against her neck. He can no longer see clearly through his glasses anymore, they're such a mess. Roxanna has fallen into a fitful sleep, and afternoon glow of the sun has turned into darkness.

"Henrik." A soft voice wakes him from the daze. 

It's Sacha Levy's kind face that greets him when he looks upwards.

"I had a missing patient from my ward. I'm just making sure everything is ok."

"We're fine." It's a complete lie of course. Neither one of them was fine, but they had to be. They had to find a way to move forward.

Sacha drapes the blanket he brought with him; around Roxanna.

"Let's get her back inside Henrik."

He wipes his face on the blanket and tries to the clean his glasses best can.

Sacha moves to help put Roxanna back into the wheelchair but Henrik shakes his head. Adjusting her sleeping form in his arms as he stands; kissing her softly on her forehead. Henrik can't bring himself to he relinquish Roxanna just yet. He is hoping there will be fewer people to bump into at this time of night.

"It's ok. I've got her. Let's go."

Sacha pushes the empty wheelchair silently beside him as they make their way back to Roxanna's room on Keller.

 


	6. Chapter 6

Roxanna tries not to fidget as she sits in the psychiatrist's office. It's something she's always hated, being the centre of all the attention. In a setting such as this, there is literally nowhere to hide. Henrik's habit of rearranging items on a desk in a line, suddenly appeals to her, anything to drive away this pent-up energy.

"I promise, I'm not going to bite." Dr Stephen Thomas seems far too young to be a qualified psychiatrist. _Maybe you are becoming cynical in your old age Rox._

"I know. You seem lovely, and I'm sure you're very good at what you do, but I've never been comfortable sharing private things about myself." He is fresh-faced and seems to be full of youthful exuberance.

"It's only our first session, Roxanna; I don't expect you to pour your heart out to me straight away." His smile is gentle and kind.

"That's good because I'm not sure I can manage that task."

"Why don't we try to approach this from an empirical medical point of view first? Maybe that will help you."

"Maybe…I'm willing to try."

"What are your symptoms."

Well, Roxanna was not expecting that; but she supposed it made sense to treat a fellow medical colleague in this way. Symptoms, diagnosis and treatment plan just like any other medical condition. She's not so sure the treatment plan will be so simple, and Roxanna has a feeling that it will involve several hours of her sitting in this very chair trying to come up with answers to the questions she doesn't really want to ask.

"It varies quite a lot and depends on the day. Sometimes, there are no symptoms."

"Well, it's a positive that you're not symptomatic all the time. Let's start with something simple- How are you sleeping?"

Roxanna looks at him suspiciously; it's a little convenient that he has known exactly what to ask. Almost like he'd been primed by someone beforehand — a certain Swedish surgeon perhaps; with eyes and ears all over the hospital. _You are becoming paranoid Roxanna. Poor sleep is a frequent symptom of patients suffering from PTSD._

“It varies. There are dreams…nightmares.”

“Can you describe them to me?”

“It's not always the same. Sometimes I feel trapped, paralysed unable to move. Other times I'm locked in a room, it's not always the same room.”

“Is there anything significant about the locations?”

“It can be the ITU room in the hospital. Other times it's a library. It's the library at the University in Boston.”

“The university you, Mr Hanssen and Professor Gaskell attended?”

“Yes.”

“Can you describe the feelings you have upon waking? ”

“Fear, anxiousness and generally I feel physically sick. On some occasions, I have vomited upon waking. I find the dreams occur less in the day, so I find myself sleeping more during the day.”

  
“Is there anything helps with the nightmares?"

Roxanna pauses before answering. Would it sound needy? If she told her brand new psychiatrist, that the times she felt least helpless was when Henrik was around?

Henrik - it always came back to Henrik. Seeing him - either his face or his figure - as the last thing she saw when fell asleep didn't always guarantee that there wasn't a nightmare, but they were certainly less frequent when he was there. Being with him, having him around was and a great source of comfort.

"Henrik. Having him around helps."

"I see. Is he in you're dreams?"

"Sometimes. Not always though."

"Is there anything that always reoccurs in your dreams?"

"Yes…." Roxanna hopes he'll leave the topic at that, but she has no such luck.

"Care to elaborate?" It must be like pulling out teeth, speaking to her, Roxanna thinks.

"John Gaskell."

"I see." He pauses then and looks at her closely as if he trying to gauge whether or not his next question will be taken well or cause a scene.

"Tell me about John Gaskell."

Roxanna sighs heavily and tries to think of a way out of the situation.

“Where do we start?”

“Well, sometimes the cliches can also be correct. Let's start at the very beginning. ” 

 

* * *

 

After her session with Stephen, Roxanna returned to her room and immediately took a nap. Both physically and emotionally exhausted from the day.

She wakes later, long after the night shift has started. Henrik has parked himself at the side of her bed and was writing up patient notes. He hasn't noticed her waking, and she takes the opportunity to observe him unguarded.

Spending the afternoon talking about John Gaskell has taken her back to their time in Boston. In her mind, she can still picture Henrik's youthful face. A face with similarities to his son Fredrik but at the same time so very different. She'd never mistake one for the other. Henrik's face always had a natural kindness to it and a warmth in his eyes. A warmth she feels is somehow transferred directly to her, so she can feel it tingle her skin and make the tiny hairs on her body stand on end. He still had that effect on her. When he looks directly at her, so in earnest and trusting, she forgets herself in those moments and is transported back in time.

Henrik, by no means, was not an easy man to read, but it never bothered her, that sometimes she couldn't quite make out what he was thinking. Because there were other times when she felt she could hear his thoughts as loudly as words he spoke. Roxanna finds it remarkable, the superficial similarities between John and Henrik. She had never been able to read John the same way she could read Henrik; he also did his best to conceal himself from her. All this time, she thought it was because he was so private and wrapped up in is work, now she wonders if it was his mechanism of hiding the beast inside. Roxanna shivers uncontrollably at the thought, and the movement is enough to alert Henrik she is awake.

"Roxanna, you're awake. I wasn't sure if you would sleep through the night." There was that warm expression again, the one she noticed is frequently directed at her.

"I was tired after my appointment with Dr Thomas. But I feel better now." She sits up from her bed and stretches out her limbs. Roxanna arches her back to relieve some of the tension in her muscles, and she grimaces at the slight cracking of her bones. She closes her eyes and moves her head from side to side to stretch out her neck. When she opens her eyes, Henrik is staring at her with one of those expressions she found hard to read. When he doesn't stop staring, she opens her mouth to ask if he was alright but before she can say anything, her stomach growls loudly.

They look at each other briefly before promptly bursting into laughter. Henrik in the complete throes of laughter is a sight she hasn't seen in a long time. Neither of them had much to laugh about of late, and Roxanna tries to remember the last time she felt this lightness in her heart. _Before David died, she thinks, before David became ill._

"I was going to say, you slept through dinner, but it seems like your stomach beat me to the punch." His eyes are still dancing with mirth, and she rolls her eyes at him as she resists the temptation to childishly stick out her tongue at him.

"I don't suppose you want to make a trip to the vending machines with me?"

"Oh, I think we can do much better than that." Henrik pulls open one of the drawers and places a small plate of pudding on her tray table while pulling it towards her.

"I saved this from your dinner before they took it away."

"Pudding!" It's such a small gesture, but she can already feel the ache in her facial muscles from the wideness of her smile.

"Eat this first, and I'll be right back with the rest of your dinner." He smiles cryptically at her before leaving the room.

Roxanna practically inhales the pudding, and she spends the next 5 minutes wondering where Henrik planned to get food at this late hour. She glances at the clock and notices it's nearly 10 pm.

The door to her room swings open to reveal Henrik balancing a tray and a paper bag in his hands. The smell from the bowls on the tray makes it's way to her nose. She recognises it immediately, the telltale combination of fish and spices.

"How on earth did you manage that?"

"I recently discovered that Brasserie Monroe now delivers. He places the tray in front of her and Roxanna is delighted to see her nose was not mistaken when the contents of the bowls are revealed. Bouillabaisse, her absolute favourite dish at Brasserie Monroe.

"I can't believe you remembered; I don't even remember the last time I was there." Roxanna looks at him in awe as he continues to unpack the contents of the bag, laying out the cutlery and carefully tearing open the paper bag containing the baguettes. _Does he remember everything about me?_

Henrik carefully arranges the food on the table so they can share the tiny space between them. “I re-heated it, so I'm not sure it will be as delicious as you remember.”

“Henrik, this is too much. You really shouldn't have gone to all this trouble.” Roxanna can feel the tears gently prickling her eyes. Her therapy session earlier had her slightly emotionally raw and fragile.

He moves the chair closer to her bed and gestures to her to start. “Ordering take away is hardly a hassle, Roxanna. Eat, come on. You need your strength." His hand searches hers out, and he squeezes it tightly before leading it to the spoon.

Roxanna can hear her stomach rumbling at sight and smell of the fish stew, and she knows she is no position to argue with him. She lifts to the spoon to mouth, trying to savour the smell and taste of the first bite. Henrik needn't have been concerned, it's even more delicious than she remembers and she lets out an involuntary hum of satisfaction.

Henrik watches carefully to gauge Roxanna's reaction, and he is rewarded for his efforts when he sees how much she is enjoying the stew.

"You're spoiling me, Henrik. You really shouldn't have gone to this trouble." Her grumpy tone is halfhearted at best, so Henrik knows he's in the clear. He makes a start on his own bowl of stew, breaking a piece of the baguette and offering it Roxanna.

"Stop trying to argue with me and just enjoy your meal." He chides her gently. She accepts the bread from him, and their hands brush against each other. "Besides, you deserve to be spoiled." His quiet declaration hangs in the air between them, and Roxanna finds it hard to tear her gaze away from him. Their hands are still touching, hovering over the tray. The piece of bread still between them.

Roxanna forces herself to look down at the stew and withdraws her hand from Henrik. A slightly awkward silence threatens to creep up on them as Roxanna frantically thinks of something to say, in the end, she goes with her heart. "So do you."

Henrik's small quiet smile, reassures Roxanna that she has said the right thing and she finds herself smiling shyly back at him.

A comfortable silence falls between them as they enjoy their meal. Henrik keeps an eye on Roxanna's bowl to ensure she finishes it all and he feels accomplished when he notices her relishing every single bite.

“How was your first session with Dr Thomas today?”

“Ok, I think.” Roxanna pauses, wondering how much she should reveal to him. _It's Henrik; he's not going to judge you. He probably already knows._

“He asked about the nightmares and John.” Henrik stiffens at the last part. And Roxanna is reminded that Henrik is hurt too. She wasn't John's only victim.

“Did it help? To talk about it.”

“I'm not really sure. It's too early to tell.” He's steadfastly not looking her in eye anymore, and Roxanna senses his unease. The peacefulness in the room suddenly shattered.

She watches as Henrik gathers their finished plastic bowls takes them from her room to dispose of in the ward rubbish bin. He arranges everything with  
meticulous precision, repositioning every item back to its original place ensuring everything was perfectly aligned.

When he returns, she leans forward before he can sit down and grabs his hand.

“Something's bothering you.” She squeezes it reassuringly.

“No. It's just been a long day, that's all.” His tone is very convincing, but Roxanna has already seen all she needs to see to know that something is amiss.

“Henrik…. please don't lie to me. I just want to help.” She tugs his hand towards her face, rubbing her cheek into his open palm. “You've helped me so much. Let me help you.”

His expression turns pained. “I'm not sure you can help, Roxanna. I don't want to alarm you; I'd hoped not to mention it.”

Now Roxanna was worried. “What do you mean?”

Henrik breathes out noisily, and it's then that Roxanna truly notices how tired he looks.

“I had a meeting with Miss Tate, today. She is removing the extra security measures around the ward.” Roxanna can tell from his tone that he fought against it fiercely. “She and board have decided since it's been more than a month since John was heard from, the security measures are an unnecessary cost. Only the original checkpoints will remain, there will no longer be someone on the ward.”

Roxanna shivers involuntarily at the thought of John somehow slipping in unnoticed. “Do you think he'll come back to finish the job?”

Henrik's face has gone completely white at her words. “I honestly don't know. But I'm not willing to take the gamble with your life. I'll make some inquiries in the morning, if I need to hire someone privately, I will.”

He draws her into his embrace and presses his lips into her hair. “The rational part of me knows it makes no sense for him to back to hurt me, but I don't think John is reasonable anymore. And I have found that my fear is making me unreasonable."

Henrik hugs her tightly. "I think you're right. It makes no sense for John to return. But I'm not willing to take that chance. As for you….you're incapable of being unreasonable. Prone to flights of whimsy perhaps, but never unreasonable."

She snorts into his shoulder as his words. She lifts her head up from his shoulder to look at him seriously. "I'm scared, Henrik. I really don't want to be, but I am. And I don't know how to make it go away."

Henrik rubs her back soothingly. "It's OK, Roxanna. I promise you; I won't let anything happen to you. I've taken a few days off work. And I'll stay as long as you need me to."

She can feel her vision blur now with unshed tears. "I know, I must sound pathetic. But can you stay? Tonight? I don't really want to be alone." Roxanna can barely recognise her own voice; it sounds so small and timid to her ears.

"You're the strongest and bravest person I know. You're not pathetic at all." He kisses her forehead before drawing her closer. "Of course, I'll stay."

He gives her shoulders another squeeze before letting her go. "I'll be right back; I'm just going to change into scrubs."

He disappears from her room momentarily, and when he returns, he's wearing the maroon scrubs of Keller, coupled with his navy blue cardigan.

Henrik makes a beeline to the chair beside her bed; it's then and there that Roxanna decides to leap. A leap of faith in their friendship and seemingly enduring affection for one another.

"…Henrik." She pulls the covers back on her bed, shuffling over and patting the space beside her. He looks a little shocked at her meaning, but he recovers quickly before climbing into bed with her. Roxanna leans back into his embrace as he arranges himself around her body, spooning her smaller frame with his own.

It's not the first the time she's shared a bed with Henrik Hanssen; it happened so frequently when they were students. Back then when they were young, seemingly free. Drunk on both knowledge and alcohol, they would tumble into bed together, sometimes with John too. Cocooned in their own separate world, the three of them seemed untouchable then. Henrik was always controlled even in those circumstances, she remembers kissing him a few times and feeling his lips responding to hers, but he never went any further, no matter how much Roxanna had wanted him too or had felt him wanting to too. Roxanna can still remember feeling warm and safe, surrounded by her loved ones.

 _John would never be a part of their cocoon again, Roxanna thinks sadly._ But the feeling of having Henrik's arms around her was as comforting and familiar as it had always been. She inhales deeply trying to breathe in his scent, trying to breathe in Henrik to somehow make him part of her.

Henrik is stroking her arms soothingly and nuzzling into her hair. "Go to sleep, Roxanna. Everything is going to be fine." She's not sure she quite believes it yet, but in that tiny moment she lets herself believe, and Roxanna relaxes into a peaceful sleep.

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

"I was wondering when you were going to come to see me."

Jac Naylor is a force to reckoned with under any normal circumstances, but under the extraordinary circumstances they now found themselves in, Roxanna was not too proud to admit that she had been more than just little apprehensive about this particular meeting.

"You were recovering, and I wasn't really sure what to say…or to ask." Roxanna lets out a small breath of relief at the calmness in Jac's voice. Jac's reputation precedes her, and if she had been the object of her fury, Roxanna is sure she would've known it by now.

"How are you feeling?"

"You're the one in a hospital bed, isn't that the question I ought to be asking you?" Jac has been her mind a lot recently, even if the CT surgeon had only been to visit her twice in the whole six weeks she'd been in the hospital. The implant in Jac was a ticking time bomb, and it needed to be addressed sooner rather than later. Roxanna had even managed to convince Henrik to bring her, her work laptop so that she could go over her notes from the trial. Josh Bloom's rapid decline, convincing him that they no could longer put off any action.

She hasn't seen Essie for a week. Not since the nurse had come to her bedside, frantic and desperate when Josh had been readmitted into the hospital. Josh Bloom died the next day, and Roxanna hasn't seen Essie on the ward since. Henrik said she had decided to take some leave.

Roxanna has never felt so helpless. People were dying around her. People she and John had promised to help. _I need to make this right. I have to find a way to save Jac._

"I can get around a bit without my wheelchair. Still, need the zimmer frame when I'm not in the chair though." Both her physio and Guy have been pleased with her progress, and while her reliance on walking aids has continued to frustrate her, Roxanna cannot deny her recovery is well on the correct path, and she needed to be more grateful.

"Jac. Let's be serious. You haven't come here to ask me how I am."

"No, I haven't. It's not that I don't care, Roxanna, it's just that…." Jac's normally cold exterior is full of worry and anguish. The anguish that she may leave her small child without a mother.

"The other trial patients are dying, and you don't want to be next. I don't want that either Jac. I've been trying to come up with a solution." Henrik had been torn when he had seen Roxanna working. Frustrated that she was staying up late and not getting enough sleep, but fully understanding the consequences if Roxanna does not come up with an answer.

"And?"

"I think you and I both know the best and safest course of action is to remove the implant. But there may be severe consequences to its removal." Roxanna had already gone over all the possibilities, but even this worst-case scenario presented its own set of risks and problems.

"I know. The pain will return as well as the scar tissue." Jac Naylor is a highly intelligent surgeon; she knows this is not the worst case. Roxanna can see she was clearly harbouring hope that the removal will go off without a hitch and Jac will simply return to the condition she was in, before the trial.

"No Jac, worse than that. The implant has been embedded for some time; I suspect by now, it's become at least partially  intertwined with your spinal cord." She has no way of knowing this for certain; it's not the type of thing they can see on a scan.

"Does that mean it can't be removed?"

"I don't know. We won't know until we're in. That's why I think it's imperative we work out a solution now beforehand. Once we're there, your best chance of survival is if we perform the intervention then. Pulling you in and out of surgery increases the risk of…"

"…Death?"

“Other permanent consequences is what I was going to say.” This was easily one of the most uncomfortable conversations Roxanna has ever had with a fellow surgeon.

“Ever thought about a career in diplomacy?”

“I'm much like you; I'm rather too attached to my current career to think about anything else.” It's a sensitive issue for Roxanna. Being a neurosurgeon was all she ever wanted and all she'd ever known. The possibility of perhaps having to give it all up was too painful to contemplate.

“Being surgeons, it's too much of who we are.” Jac looks dissatisfied with answers Roxanna has given but seems to be understanding.

“I know. I promise you Jac, I'm working on it, but I'm not willing to recommend a surgical treatment until I feel like I've given you the best possible chance. I'm not there yet.”

“I trust you, Roxanna. I know you'll do your best and you'll be honest with me.”

The subtle implication about who Jac is actually talking about is not lost on Roxanna. John Gaskell had left a trail of destruction, Roxanna and Henrik have been left to clean up the mess. Repair the damage, but not everything or everyone can be saved. John Bloom, another name added to the list of John's crimes.

“In the meantime, I need your honesty too Jac. I need to know any changes that you're feeling. Don't ignore anything. It could all mean something.”

They're interrupted by a knock on the door. Jason enters and smiles at them both.

“Hello. Miss MacMillan, I'm here to take to your physiotherapy appointment.”

“Thank you, Jason. Can you give Jac and me just another moment please?”

He looks at her, seriously concerned. “OK. But if we don't leave in the next four minutes, you shall be late.”

“I promise we won't be that long.”

He leaves them reluctantly and closes the door as he exits.

“You have my word. I swear I'll let you know if anything changes.”

“Good. Thank you.” Roxanna hesitates a little before continuing, “I just want to say Jac. You don't know how sorry I am that the trial has resulted in this. If I had any idea that…”

Jac waves away her words and cuts her off “If I thought for a minute you were responsible for this, we wouldn't be having this conversation.” The steel in her voice is unmistakable, but Roxanna knows who it's aimed at and it isn't her.

“You saved me once before, Roxanna. And I trust you will do your best to save me again. I need you to save me again. Not just for me, but for Emma.” Jac's words are like a knife through Roxanna's heart. The prospect of Emma growing up without her mother because of this disastrous trial was unconscionable. No, she had to find a way. She must save Jac.

“I promise Jac. I will do everything I can.” Their conversation is cut short by another knock on the door. This time it's Henrik who enters, looking extremely uneasy. Jason is hot on his heels.

"I told you, Mr Hanssen, she said wasn't ready to leave yet. But we have to leave now if we're going to be on time."

“Roxanna, is everything alright? ” He comes to stand beside her bedside and glances back and forth between the two women. It's a constant habit, the way his fingers seek out her own. Roxanna squeezes his hands and smiles reassuringly. The moment between them does not go unnoticed by Jac.

“We're fine. Jason, I'm ready now.”

* * *

  
Henrik looks on worriedly as Jason pushes Roxanna's wheelchair into the lift. The doors shut behind them and they disappear from Henrik's view.

“Were you worried I was going to attack her?” A voice comes from behind him, but he knows its owner is watching the same pair in the lift as he is. Jac's tone is only half serious.

“No, physical violence is not really your style. But you have every right to be angry, and there is more than one way to hurt someone.” He pauses and turns to look down at the smaller woman. “Roxanna harbours a great deal of guilt with regards to the trial patients."

“And you've appointed yourself as her champion and protector, have you?” There is no malice in her tone, just a genuine sense of curiosity. But Henrik doesn't like being the object of anyone's curiosity, and he knows Roxanna would feel the same.

“Roxanna would not take kindly to the assumption that she needs protecting. I'm just a concerned friend.” Henrik has only just returned to his part-time rota after spending nearly every waking moment with Roxanna in the last few days. In the end, Roxanna had rebuffed his attempts to hire private security for her, insisting that she didn't want to live in fear.

Jac looks at him incredulously. “Friend.” Henrik is no fool; he knows the hospital staff have been gossiping about his bedside vigils since Roxanna's accident. He doubts the nights he spent her bed lately have gone unnoticed either.

Henrik schools his expression, careful to give nothing away. "She's my oldest friend, and I am hers."

"That's nice. It's nice that you have each other." Jac had a thin, tight smile on her lips but her eyes have a slightly faraway look that suggests she thinking about something else. Or someone else.

Before she returns to her ward, Jac gently touches the cuff of his sleeve. "But you're kidding yourself if you think you're just friends."

Henrik angles his head downwards, "Are you speaking from experience Miss Naylor?" Holby City hospital seems to be full of emotionally inept staff these days. Jac doesn't answer him. She simply turns on her heel and heads towards the stairs.

Henrik watches Jac leave and sighs inwardly. He is under no delusions; he knows his feelings for Roxanna go beyond friendship. Henrik finds it hard to recall a time when he didn't love Roxanna. In the last few months, before the car accident, he had been trying to find ways to tell her. To finally be brave in a way he had never been when they were young.

The nights he's spent in her bed have been both wonderful and agonising. Having Roxanna that close, in his arms and surrounded by her comforting scent, makes his heart want to implode. The temptation to kiss her, properly, on the mouth or to trail kisses down her exposed neck was difficult to resist. It was a test of his control like never before.

Henrik has never seen Roxanna this vulnerable. Not even when David died, or even the semester at Rigden she had spent full of melancholy after her mother had finally succumbed to the disease that would define Roxanna's professional life. One part of him felt like he would be taking advantage of her emotionally weakened state. Like a predator even. Another part of him wants to act now because he came far too close to losing her. He aches to pull her into his embrace and ravish her in the ways he's always wanted to.

It seemed like, the timing for them was never quite right. _The universe is against us, as Dominic would say._

"Mr Hanssen, can you help me with Mrs Matthews? She is complaining of stomach cramps, and the painkillers we gave her earlier haven't helped." Lofty interrupts his thoughts with a more pressing matter at hand.

"Certainly Nurse Chiltern. Lead the way."

All he can do, is to continue on, and hope.

* * *

  
Roxanna pants heavily as she tries to slow her heart rate. She sags against the chair Becky has half carried her into after catching her losing her balance on the final steps.

"You're doing amazing, Rox. Well done. But I think that's enough for today."

Becky has been careful to put a stop to their sessions at the first sign that Roxanna is overdoing it. It's frustrating for her, but Roxanna feels slightly better with the knowledge that she has made progress.

"Thanks, Becky. I just wish I could progress faster."

The physiotherapist laughs at her words. "Only you and every other patient of mine. You of all people know how long it takes for these connections to rebuild."

"I know, I know. It doesn't stop me from wanting it though."

"Mr Hanssen would probably kill me if I let you go too far." Becky's eyes are twinkling, and her teasing tone causes Roxanna to tense up. She uses her towel to wipe away some of the sweat. Burying her head in the towel seems like a good idea. Anything to get away from Becky's gossipy nature.

Roxanna is luckily saved by Becky's pager which starts to beep insistently.

Becky turns as she's reading the message and catches her foot on one of the small exercise balls.  
"Argh!" Luckily the physiotherapist's reflexes mean that she only stumbles and doesn't fall over completely.

"I'm sorry Rox; I gotta get to the paeds ward. I'm late for another session." As she speaks, Becky picks up the offending ball tries to fit it away in one of the equipment bags.

Roxanna watches in fascination as Becky gives up on squeezing the ball into the bag and instead starts to deflate it, pushing the air out of the ball in her hands before finally fitting it into the bag. _This is what I need to do for Jac's implant. I need to make it smaller so that I can remove it._

Becky rolls Roxanna's wheelchair closer and helps her into the chair, mindful of her tired legs.

"I gotta dash Rox. Jason should be here soon to take you back to Keller ok?"

Roxanna shakes her head and waves her away. "It's fine. Go. Go and see your patient." She barely registers the sound of Becky leaving the room, so focused she is on the deflated exercise ball. Her back is turned away from the door but hears the faint clang of the door shutting. Roxanna rolls her chair towards the equipment bag and pulls out the squashed rubber. _How do I do this? How can I make the implant smaller and maneuverable?_ She tries to focus her mind on Jac's problem. _Can I cut it away? Remove it piece by piece?_

Roxanna is startled slightly by the loud clang of the door opening and shutting again, but she remembers she's expecting someone. "Hi, Jason." Roxanna turns herself in the wheelchair to greet the porter, but the sight at the door makes her blood run cold.

"Hi Rox."

The person at the door is not Jason Haynes. The figure removes his hood, but Roxanna doesn't need confirmation of his identity. His voice and unmistakable shape would be easily picked out by Roxanna in a crowd.

" ...John.", she breathes shakily.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of high drama now. I struggle to hear John's voice clearly sometimes because the show stuffed up his character so much. I hope he's not too OTT.

His face is joyous as he pulls down the fabric of his hood. John steps forward towards her, crouching down to her seated height as if he wanted to hug her.

"..Roxanna…you don't know how happy I am to see you. I'm so glad you're alright." John smiles in the same way Roxanna always remembered. Most of the time he was always so serious and focused on work, but when he smiled, it always reached his eyes and seemed to enhance the elegant contours of his face.

Roxanna is paralysed with shock that he is here. Right in front of her. John Gaskell. Her beloved friend and the very person responsible for putting in the wheelchair she was sitting in. She can't comprehend his words at all. Roxanna grips the wheels of her chair and rolls away from him slowly, but her heart was torn. He seemed so much like the John she had always known and admired.

"You're glad I'm alright? John….you did this to me. I should have died, and you would have murdered me!" Her voice is slightly shrill from distress, but there is an unmistakable tone of despair which John recognises immediately.

John's face screws up with pain at her words, and his voice is full of anguish and regret when he speaks.

"I didn't want to. I never wanted to hurt you; I love you. But I had no choice! The trial had to continue; I had to find a way to make it work. Nothing but the work."

He tries to inch forward towards her, but Roxanna continues to roll back away from him.

"Love me? _You love me_? John, look at me?! I can barely walk, and I'm still not certain I'll ever see the inside of a theatre ever again. I am like this because of _you_! How can you say that you love me?" She is shouting now, and there is a silent flow of tears marring her face. Tears of grief for her dearest friend and potentially for a life she loved so much.

"You don't understand Rox. You never did, that was always your problem." He says it so calmly, condescendingly even. He's right. She didn't understand. How can he possibly justify what he's done to her? To Henrik?

"I don't understand. Why are you here John? Are you here to finish the job? Everyone already knows what you have done. Killing me is not going to help you anymore." Her fingers grip the wheels of the chair tightly, desperate to find something to hold on to.

" Is that what you think I'm here to do? To kill you? Gosh, no Rox. Please, I'm not here to hurt you." Roxanna can feel the wheels refuse to move any further and she knows she's backed up against the wall.

"Then why are you here?"

"I came back because of the trial. Because of Josh Bloom. I heard he had died and I need to know why. If the trial is going to succeed, I need to know why. It's another piece of the puzzle. We're _so_ close." Roxanna looks at John completely aghast.

"John! There is **NO** trial! _It's over_! All that we're trying to achieve is the prevention of further deaths."

"No! Rox, you have to believe me. I can make this work; I can _save_ these people. I have to save Lana." John speaks with the same self-belief that he's always had. Like his success was going to be a foregone conclusion. It was in his nature, to defy the odds and play with high stakes. Roxanna just never thought he would gamble with those he cared about. With her life.

"You have to save Lana," Roxanna repeats the words quietly, but her voice is broken with sorrow.  
Lana. Was all _this_ for the anonymous woman in Lisbon? Had John betrayed the trust Henrik and she had in him all for this one woman.

"You were willing to kill me to save Lana?" Did she mean so little to him? Even after weeks in the hospital trying to force her body to repair the damage John had done, it still hurts to hear. Like a physical blow.

Roxanna is surprised to see that John is crying too.

"I'm sorry!", He sobs. Grasping her hands and falling to his knees before her. He lifts her hands to his tear-streaked face and kisses them before whispering to her, "I'm so sorry. I couldn't let you stop me. I couldn't let you tell Henrik. But I never wanted to hurt you."

She has never seen John like this. Her calm, composed friend who was never moved or rattled by anything. On his knees in front of her in self-inflicted agony. A part of her pities him still, but that part is not loud enough to overcome how betrayed she feels over his explanation.

Roxanna shakily grabs his face in her hands and lifts it upwards. "But you _did_ , John. And I'm not sure I can ever forgive you. You betrayed me. And Henrik. You betrayed our friendship, our trust… and our _love_." Her voice is thick with tears but Roxanna needs him to understand, no matter how sorry he was, there may be no way back for them.

It's ever so slight, but Roxanna catches the shadow that crosses John's face before he pushes her hands away. His face is right in hers now, and Roxanna is startled to see how quickly it's now twisted is anger.  
  
"You betrayed _me_ first! You and Henrik. I could see the way that you looked at each other and Henrik confessed to me he loved you. I couldn't let it happen. I couldn't allow you both to leave me. We had to live up to our pack. Nothing but the work."

At first, Roxanna is confused, but then her mind turns back to their last conversation in Albie's. Their dreaded confrontation which had turned into a nightmare for her. _So, it's true then. He tried to keep Henrik and me apart._

"We never left you, John. It's _you_ …. who left _us_."

They both jump slightly at the sound of the phone ringing as the desk.

 

* * *

  
Henrik pulled off his gloves and threw them into the biological waste bin.

"All done Mrs Matthews, this is temporary. I can't make a definitive diagnosis until we get your imaging back from the lab. If it's still unclear, we'll organise an exploratory surgery to find the cause of the pain."

"Thank you, Mr Hanssen" Henrik nods at his patient as he retreats to the nurse's station to fill out his notes and organise additional tests. On his way there he passes Jason, who is pulling a patient in a wheelchair back to their bed.

"Hello, Jason. Did you collect Miss MacMillan from her physiotherapy session?"

"I was going to. But I got stuck in CT with a patient while they were waiting for their turn. I called Mr Fletcher and asked him to collect her for me. I didn't want her to have to wait."

Henrik smiles at the younger man's attentiveness. It's strange, the friendship that stuck up between Roxanna and Jason. It doesn't exactly surprise him though. After all the years she had to put up with Henrik, John and David, Roxanna has well and truly proven she had far more patience than the average person and penchant for appreciating the idiosyncrasies in people.

"They should have returned at least 20 minutes ago. Is she not back in her room?"

"I haven't had the chance to look in on her yet, I've been busy with patients. Do you mind checking in on her for me? Make she sure is drinking enough water, I'm a little concerned she gets dehydrated after these sessions."

"It would be my pleasure. It's time for my break and Roxanna has said she was going to show me a puzzle box that she has been working on." Jason looks excited at the prospect and turns to the direction of Roxanna's room.

 _That would be good for her_. Roxanna had spent the last few days solely focussed on the implant issue. Determined to find a solution before Jac's situation becomes dire. He knows Guy Self has been working on it too, but neither of them has been able to come up with a conclusive course of action. Working on a puzzle with Jason will take her mind away from the task. Henrik can see the pressure is starting to take it's toll on Roxanna. Frustrated with both her recovery and her lack of progress with Jac's case.

Henrik turns his attention back to the patient files in front of him. He is surprised when he hears Jason's voice returning so quickly.

"Mr Hanssen, Roxanna is not in her room. Did she have another appointment for this afternoon."

Henrik frowns in confusion. "No, not at all. She has nothing further scheduled for today." He immediately picks up the phone receiver and attempts to page Stephen Fletcher, but he needn't have bothered as the very man himself comes barrelling into the ward, slightly out of breath.

"Jason! I'm sorry mate. I was on my way to collect Rox when a couple of the other porters needed a hand unloading some equipment. Did she get back here OK? I know she probably would have made her way rather than waiting around for me."

"She's not here." Jason sounds worried too now. Henrik tries to ignore Jason's slightly panicked tone and control his imagination as it jumped to conclusions. He shakes away the image in his mind of Roxanna lying face down in the corridor somewhere after attempting to walk some of the ways back. It would be just like her to try something like that even though she wasn't ready yet.

Henrik starts dialling the extension of the physiotherapy room. It rings and rings, but there is no answer.

"I don't understand. Where could she be?" Jason is trying so hard to be helpful but all he is doing inciting more and more anxiety in Henrik.

He finally gives up on the endless ringing tone. Turning towards to lift so get to the physiotherapy room himself. He turns slightly to the other two men, "Call security. Tell them Roxanna MacMillan is missing from the ward, then call the nurses station on all the other wards and find out if anyone has seen her. Call me immediately if you hear anything." His heart is gripped with fear as he makes his way to the lift. Henrik knows he may well have completely overreacted to the situation, but there is a constant knot in his stomach telling him something is not right.

 

* * *

  
Both of them had stalled at the ringing of the phone. Their eyes locked on one another, but unmoving as the phone rings and rings. There is a thickness in the air, and it's like time had come to a complete stop. Eventually, the ringing stops. Roxanna feels more trapped than ever. _There is no way for me to escape him._

John moves even closer to Roxanna, fully invading her space. A faint memory flashes in her mind. Of being in ITU and completely paralysed, as John stroked her hair and quietly tells her how he loves her and sorry he is it's ended this way. She shivers at the memory and Roxanna fight the urge to throw up suddenly. She turns her head away when John tries to touch her face.

"I had to make sure, you see….I had to make sure that neither of you would leave me." There is an eerie stillness in John's voice, and Roxanna can hear her slow shallow breathes.

"You were worried that Henrik didn't care about you as much as he cared for me? That is ridiculous, John. He cares for us both. And what you have done has hurt both of us, not just me." Her heart is pounding in her ears now, and there is a torrent of emotion trying to escape.

"You were our friend! And we _loved_ you!"

"But you loved each other _**more**_!" His voice is harsh and full of pain. And Roxanna jerks slightly at the sound. John moves forward again and grasps the sides of her arms. She can feel the slight pain from his bruising grip.

"That's why I had to introduce you to David. I had to make sure you would fall in love with him. Because I knew, no matter how much you loved David, you would always need Henrik." The slight smile on John's face now. Pleased and proud of himself and his cunning plan.

It's devastatingly true. _Had she'd always been that transparent?_ The connection she had felt with both John and Henrik had always felt special. She remembers the very early days they had spent in the lab together. Roxanna had thought she had stumbled upon stardust. But Henrik was different. Henrik had always had held a unique place in her heart.

"Then it's true. You tried to keep us apart." Her heart feels so conflicted. She had loved David so much, and their life together had been full of happiness, but a part of her grieves. Mourns for a life she might've had with Henrik.

He shakes his head at her in frustration. "No! Rox, you don't understand. I was trying to keep you both with me." He tightens his grip on her arms and shakes her slightly.

Roxanna opens her mouth to speak, to tell him to release her but the sound that comes out is not her own. It takes her second to realise it's not her voice that's spoken, but another's. A voice she knows all too well.

"…John." The quiet, stoic tones of Henrik Hanssen are unmistakable even when it's laced with shock and fear.

"John, you're hurting her. Let her go!" John looks down at his hands, still gripping Roxanna's arms and he jerks away from her as if burned. He stares at his hands confusedly before looking at Henrik who has immediately moved to Roxanna's side, checking her for further injury before wrapping her into a protective hug. Roxanna leans into him and presses her face into his chest.

"Henrik… my old friend. I'm so glad you're here."

 


	9. Chapter 9

Henrik wasn't sure what he was expecting when he pushed opened the door of the physiotherapy room. All of his instincts were telling him something was wrong, but he had not expected to find John Gaskell on the other side of the door.

“…John.”

Kneeling in front of Roxanna and gripping her arms tightly. Too tightly. He can see the strained expression on her face.

“John, you're hurting her. Let her go!” Henrik lurches forward as John releases Roxanna. Running his hands over her shoulders and arms, making sure she was unharmed. He wraps his arms tightly around her, and he can feel the slight tremors in her frame. Or are they tremors from his own body; he's not quite sure.

“Henrik…my old friend. I'm so glad your here.” The familiar voice stills his heart.

“John. What are you doing?” His stern tone is all a facade. Built on a fragile house of cards. The slightest trauma ready to collapse it all.

“I came to find out about John Bloom. I thought about going to the wet lab, but that would take too long. I knew Rox would have kept herself up to date. She can tell me all I need to know." He is the same, John. Focused on the work as always. _How were we to ever to know? To separate the man from the monster inside?_

“John. It's over. The trial is done. Your a wanted criminal. Do you understand what that means?”

"It's simply because they don't understand, what I'm on the brink of doing. Once they see how I can save Lana, it will all be worth it. I saved Laslo; I can save Lana."

"John! You didn't save Laslo; he never had MND." Roxanna doesn't know how else they were going to get through to him; John was only listening to parts of the narrative that fits with his story.

"That was a LIE!! Because you wanted to turn Henrik against me." He turns back to Roxanna anger written all of his face.

“Lana is already dead John. Once the Lisbon hospital heard what you had done, they turned off the life support machines. Lana is gone” Henrik with his quiet calmness seems only to make John angrier.

"No, you're lying. **YOU'RE LYING**!!" John shakes his head in disbelief and pushes Henrik against the wall.

"John, please. It's true. I spoke to Leo only this morning. You've been out of touch for so long, Leo said you hadn't attempted contact with him at all." Roxanna moves her chair closer to them, trying to pull John off, Henrik.

"No, no, no, no… This is not how it ends; She can't be dead." John looks crushed at the prospect that everything he had done had been for nothing. The woman he had been trying so desperately to save, dead, despite his efforts.

"I'm sorry, John. But it's true."

"Henrik. Why would you lie to me? I saved you. I pulled you from the lake that night because I saw in you exactly what I am. Why would you lie to me?" John leans right into Henrik's face, tears leaking from his eyes.

"I promise you, John. I'm not lying. I would never lie to you. Please, John, let's end this now." John seems to register his words and suddenly his whole demeanour changes. He releases his grip on Henrik slightly.

"John, I'm begging you. Please, listen to Henrik. There is nothing you can do for Lana anymore." John looks at Roxanna sadly and seems to decide in his mind. He turns back to Henrik.

"We're the same person Henrik. We always have been. Incapable of truly being able to love." Henrik feels a slight pinprick in his arm. He looks down in horror to see a syringe in John's hand.

"John, what have you done?" He can hear his voice slightly slurring, and a fogginess has invaded his vision. He slumps against the wall, trying to grab on for support.

"Henrik!" Roxanna's voice seems further away now, and he turns his head to search for the source of her voice. By the time he can orientate himself correctly, John has turned his attention towards Roxanna.

"…Roxanna. John, please. No…." John is towering over Roxanna now, the second syringe in his hand poised to give Roxanna whatever he had given Henrik. He sees Roxanna thrash and struggles against John, and he tries to call out to her again, but his mouth is no longer working. Henrik hears a loud thump, and he vaguely registers it's his own weight that has made the noise as he hit the ground before everything fades to black.

 

* * *

Henrik wakes slowly to a constant beeping noise in his head. _Is it in my head or my room? It sounds like a monito_ r. As he opens his eyes, he sees the familiar ceiling panels above him. I'm in the hospital. It's only then that his memories come crashing down like a tidal wave in a desert — John and Roxanna. Roxanna! He needed to get up, but his limbs are so heavy. Henrik tries to push himself off up off the bed and grunts with the effort to swing his legs down towards the floor. The curtains are drawn around his bed, but he is relatively sure he is on Keller. The room is spinning slightly and rational part his brain recognises he is still under the influence of whatever drug John as given him. _Probably an opiate._ It would explain why he felt nauseous, and his muscles were so stiff.

Henrik forces himself to his feet and grabs onto the nearby trolley for balance. The IV line in his arm frustratingly restricts his movements. He must have seen making a lot of noise because suddenly the curtains around his bed are pulled back to reveal the concerned faces of Sacha and Dominic.

"Henrik! You shouldn't be out of bed." They both grab either side of him to hold him upright and prevent him from falling.

"Roxanna. Where is she? Is she ok? What happened to John?" Henrik notes his speech is still slurred and he can tell from the worried expressions of his friends that he must not look like the calm, unflappable CEO they are used to seeing.

"John?! Is that who did this to you?"

"Roxanna is still unconscious." Sacha and Dominic reply to his questions simultaneously. They're both shocked to hear him mention John.

"Are you sure, Mr Hanssen? Professor Gaskell hasn't been seen near the hospital for weeks." Dom looks at Henrik uncertainly. Henrik ignores Dom's dubious expressions and continues. "Roxanna, I need to see her. Where is she?" He needed to know for sure. To see with his own eyes. He had promised her that she would be safe. He had failed her again.

"Henrik. Please try to stay calm. Roxanna is fine. We're monitoring her closely. The both of you were found unconscious. You need to rest." The two men try to maneuver him back towards the bed, but Henrik uses his weight to slow them down.

He turns to Sacha and holds him by the shoulders. "Please, Sacha. I need to see Roxanna. Take me to her." Sacha had indeed seen how vulnerable Henrik was when it came to Roxanna, had been watching quietly as they tried to unravel the tangled mess that was their lives now. But no matter how he felt for them, he could not neglect his duty as a doctor.

"I need to monitor you closely too, Henrik. We don't know what you were given, and the toxicology report hasn't come back yet. I've had to be conservative with your treatment until we know for sure." Sacha tries to appeal to the doctor in Henrik.

"I'm fairly certain it was a cocktail of opiates. And I know I don't look it, but I can feel the effects wearing off as we speak." It's not a lie, but perhaps a slight embellishment on the truth. Henrik did feel better but it still hard to focus his vision.

"My shift is finishing up soon. I can keep an eye on him, Sacha." Henrik looks at Dominic gratefully. It so strange to think of this young man as his friend, when it didn't seem that long ago, all Henrik thought of Dominic Copeland was an egocentric upstart without the skills to back up his talk. Perhaps I'm not the great judge of character, and I think I am. I certainly misjudged John.

“OK. OK. As long as Dom is there to watch over you, and I want your word that you will say something if you start to feel worse." Sacha is as gentle and kind as ever, but there is a firmness in his tone that left no room for argument.

"You have my word."

It's not long before he is being wheeled with his IV line towards Roxanna's room, Dominic and Sacha by his side. Not much time has passed, it's still daylight outside, and Henrik's watch tells him has been unconscious for roughly an hour and a half.

Roxanna looks entirely peaceful, asleep in her bed. If he didn't know any better, Henrik would have thought her just napping during the day. The tell-tale lines and monitors hooked to her body tell a different story. Henrik shivers involuntarily as he notices tubes and wires look similar to how she had been when initially recovering from the car accident and John's monstrous surgery. He tried to shake the feeling away, holding her hand tightly and kissing it. _I'm sorry! I failed you again._

"I have patients I need to see, but I'm going to call Abigail and let her know what you told me about John so the police can be alerted." Sacha is speaking quietly, even though he knows Roxanna won't be disturbed by the noise.

Henrik nods mutely, his gaze never leaving Roxanna and he feels Sacha squeeze his shoulder reassuringly before leaving the room noiselessly. He strokes the side of Roxanna's hand, trying to let her know that he was here.

Dominic stands awkwardly to the side of the room. The silence is too much for the young registrar bear, so he begins to fill Henrik in on Roxanna's treatment. “We think she was given the same thing as you, but she is smaller than you are so, it'll take longer for her body to clear it out of her system.”

Henrik knows it's not that simple, Roxanna was already on an array medication as part of her treatment. Some of those drugs already made her tired, and it was why she often slept during the day. It would take her even longer than if she was in full health to clear the opiates from her body.

"Mr Copeland, do you mind getting me some water." He needed a moment with Roxanna alone. As much as he has come to care about the Dominic, there are some things he still prefers to keep private.

"Of course. I'll be right back."

As soon as Dominic has left the room, he detaches his IV line and stands up. He is much more steady on this attempt. He leans over Roxanna and buries his face in her neck. Henrik embraces her so tightly, he lifts her from the bed slightly and kisses her cheek.

"I'm sorry my darling. I'm sorry I didn't keep you safe. But I'm here now; please wake up soon.", He whispers into her ear. Henrik tries to inhale her comforting scent and allow the steady beat of her heart soothe his tormented mind. Roxanna remains unmoved, still unconscious in what he hopes is a dreamless sleep. Roxanna's nightmares had started to subside somewhat lately, but he knows this latest encounter with John may spell their return.

After a few minutes, he reluctantly lets her go, kisses her cheek one last time and retreats to his chair. It's only a few moments later that Dominic returns with his glass of water. Right behind him is Abigail Tate.

"Mr Hanssen, I'm glad to see you looking well."

"Is there any sign of John?" Henrik doesn't have the patience to deal with her pleasantries today.

Abigail looks slightly taken back at his tone. "Security swept the building when you and Miss MacMillan were found, but at the time we didn't know that we were looking for John. It was only after they looked at CCTV footage that we realised."

"And did they find him?"

"No, it looks like he left before you and Roxanna were even discovered. He has taken your car." Henrik finds it ironic that John would steal his car. John always used to tell him needed to drive a nicer car. A more luxurious vehicle that was more indicative of his power and influence. Henrik had always laughed at John, telling him he had no time for something so frivolous.

"I had my keys in my pocket; he must have taken them when I was unconscious."

"Do you have any idea where he might have gone?"

Henrik tries to think back to his final conversation with John. To search for any clue, a fragment of memory returns him a rush. There is a sudden stab of fear jolts through him. "You need to check the local lakes. And quickly, he was not in a stable state."

"Lakes? Do you think he might kill himself?" Dominic finds it hard to reconcile the suave and effortless cool Professor Gaskell with someone ready to commit suicide.

"He had been pushed to the edge; he's no longer the rational John we remember."

Abigail nods, "I'll let the Police know."

Henrik stares at her with a hard look. "You know, all of this could have been avoided if you just listened to me. We should have never removed the extra security protocols." Henrik's mind is now running through all the what-if scenarios. If they had caught John while he was entering the building, Roxanna wouldn't be in the state she was in, and they wouldn't have to worry about John potentially killing himself.

Abigail looks at him with remorse, but there is nothing she can say. Henrik turns his attention back to Roxanna. He hears Abigail leave the room.

Dominic comes to stand beside him. "I'm sure she'll be fine. After everything that's happened, Roxanna has shown she's very much a fighter."

"That she is, Mr Copeland.", Henrik says, kissing Roxanna's hand once again.

 

* * *

 

It's late in the evening when Roxanna finally wakes up. Sacha had come in more than an hour ago with the toxicology report and a dose of naloxone for the both of them to help clear them out the opiates faster.

She stirs in sleep quietly, but the movement is enough to alert Henrik. He is on his feet and by her side immediately. He uses the back of his hand to stroke her face tenderly, his thumb tracing its outline. Henrik leans forward to whisper in her ear.

"Roxanna. It's me. Everything is fine. You're fine."

Roxanna suddenly jolts wake completely from her sleep, nearly knocking Henrik off balance.

"Henrik!"

His arms are around her straight away. "Shhh….I'm here. I'm here darling; it's OK." He can feel the tears prickling his eyes, and he rocks her gently back and forth, burying his face in her hair. He can feel her clinging to him tightly and the quiet sobs racking her frame.

“Henrik.”, She breathes his name quietly now, but he can hear and feel the relief within her. He doesn't have the heart to tell her what he suspects about John yet.

Henrik continues to whisper to her words of reassurance and stroke her hair. Trying to provide as much comfort as he can, but equally drawing on her strength.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had originally planned 12 chapters to this story. But I already feel like it's going to be at least 15...maybe more.

  
There is a faint light creeping through the windows and Henrik knows it must be close to dawn. He has spent the night in Roxanna's room, in her bed, as he often does now. He can feel her slow breaths as she slumbers. As the light filtering through slowly increases as the sun rises, he can see it catch the ends of Roxanna's hair, bathing her face in a light glow. He resists the urge to kiss her lips but allows himself to kiss her lightly on the forehead before reluctantly slipping out of the covers.

He had felt almost immediately better after Sacha's medication and had convinced Sacha to remove the IV line and cannula in his arm after the dose had made its way into his system. Sacha had refused to discharge him though, insisting he needed to stay overnight for observation. Henrik was never going to leave the hospital anyway, not when Roxanna had needed him. Last night he felt he needed her just as much.

Henrik knows he needs to warn Roxanna on what to expect. Knowing Roxanna, she will press him for details. He is dreading the conversation. Thirty years ago, Henrik had been deeply ashamed of his attempt at taking his own life. Swearing John to utmost secrecy, especially from Roxanna. Now he had no choice.

He slips quietly from the room in search of a quick shower before Roxanna wakes. He is stopped in his tracks by an annoyed looking Serena Campbell.

“You know Henrik; you haven't been officially discharged yet. We don't let patients waltz around the hospital as they please."

“I'm well aware of hospital protocols for patients, Miss Campbell; I think if you look closely, you'll notice I wrote many of them." Henrik was not one to try to bend the rules. Usually, he was generally the enforcer. But surely, the circumstances called for a little rule bending? _Or have I been spending too much time with Roxanna?_

“Ahh, I see. So it's more of a case of; do what I say, not what I do.” She looks at him amusingly, and Henrik knows she's not truly annoyed. Serena steps into his space and wraps her arms around his waist. He pats her shoulder awkwardly.

"I'm so relieved your OK. It could have all ended so much worse. Jason wanted to visit Roxanna this morning, but I've told him to at least wait until the afternoon." It feels strange still, to hug Serena, even given the length of time he has known her. He has never felt comfortable with being physical with his friends, other than Roxanna, John and to a certain extent, David.

"Thank you. I think that would be best."

"So are you going to tell me where you're trying to escape? I'm surprised that you would leave Roxanna's side at all today." There is a slight teasing in her voice, Henrik isn't entirely sure he is comfortable with, but he is hardly in any position to deny it.

"I was just going to steal a shower before she wakes up and maybe find some breakfast that she isn't going to refuse to eat."

"I see, a worthy cause all-round. One can't be around one's paramour without showering properly. And I can tell you; there is some truth in the saying 'the way to someone's heart is through their stomach'." He scowls at Serena, but she takes no notice of his stern expression.

"Is there any news on John?" It's the question he has been dreading the answer to all night. In some ways, he hopes they turn up empty if it means that John is still alive somewhere.

Serena's face sobers immediately at the mention of John, "Not that I've heard, but Abigail is more likely to have the latest."

"I'll check in with her later on." Serena nods and then her best doctor expression is back in place.

"I'll let you have your shower, and morning forage for food, but when you get back we need to do the last check up on you before we discharge you officially."

He grimaces at the thought of being subjected to another exam and further tests, but he knows he has no option. He nods at Serena before turning towards the locker room in search of a fresh pair of scrubs.

 

* * *

  
Roxanna wakes to a strange combination of smells. Hospital disinfectant, coffee and cedarwood. The last one is the most important one, and as she opens her eyes, she seeks out Henrik's familiar form. He is sitting in the chair beside her, sipping his coffee as he scrolled through emails and messages on his phone. He notices her wakefulness straight away, and he smiles at her before leaning over and kissing her cheek. He moves away too quickly, his contact fleeting but Roxanna can still feel the skin on her cheek tingling. She caught the fullness of Henrik's scent and can tell he is freshly showered in addition to the clean scrubs he's sporting. There is still a tiny amount of dampness in his hair like he was in a rush and didn't dry it properly.

"Hey. How are you feeling?" His voice is low, and he sounds tired. He fiddles with the controls and raises the bed so that she is in a sitting position. Henrik places a second cup of coffee on her table as well as a packaged chocolate croissant and stands at the edge of her bed.

She sips the coffee gratefully, "Thank you. Better than yesterday, I think it's finally all out of my system. How are you?"

"I feel fine. I was worried you still might be feeling sick today." He not so subtlety pushes the croissant closer to her and gives her a pointed look.

"I'm not even hungry, Henrik." It's hard to try and stare him down when all she thinks about is how warm his brown eyes are. It was hardly 12 hours ago when she thought there was a real possibility she would never get to see them again.

"Well, you should be. You skipped dinner last night." Henrik pushes the packet between them even more forward so that it was practically on the edge of her tray table.

She looks at him suspiciously, "So did you. Have you had any breakfast this morning?"

He has the grace to look contrite as he shakes his head. Roxanna pushes the croissant back towards him. “I don't think I can eat anything until we hear news on John. He seemed so irrational, so unlike himself. There were brief glimpses of lucidity but, I'm worried he will do something even more reckless.” Roxanna is still trying to reconcile how she feels about John. Part of her is fearful of ever seeing him again, but another part of her was distraught at how unstable John had seemed yesterday.

Roxanna notices Henrik's expression tighten at the mention of John, and he seems to be at some conflict with himself before he reluctantly opens his mouth to speak.

“Roxanna, there's something I need to tell you. I want you, to be prepared for the worst." He is deliberately not looking directly at her, instead staring slightly at the space beside to her left.

Roxanna looks at him in confusion, "What do you mean?" Hadn't the worst already happened? She tries to think of further scenarios that could make their predicament worse. If Jac dies, it would be unthinkable. That thought only seems to make Roxanna more confused. _Had he already given up? Does he think I can't come up with a solution?_

Henrik takes a deep breath, "I think there is a genuine possibility, John may try to kill himself."

"You think he's that far on edge?" Her rational brain knows this is a possibility for anyone who has been backed into a corner, but John was the last person in the world she'd imagine would suddenly give up on life.

"Something he mentioned, yesterday, makes me think he is indeed." Henrik seems to choose his words carefully. Too carefully for Roxanna's liking. He's hiding something. It occurs to her, Henrik is keeping his distance. In the last few weeks when he was visiting, he'd always stand as close as possible to her bed, nearest to her hands so that he may hold them when the need arose. _We just spent the night in the same bed, but he seems so distant now._

"Something he mentioned…?" Roxanna repeats his words and tries to digest their meaning. She was turning her memory to their confrontation with John yesterday. Everything happened so quickly, and John's erratic changes in mood were hard to keep up with. John had been so insistent that he loved her in the same breath he used to accuse her of turning Henrik against him. She racks her brain to piece the puzzle together. John is no ordinary puzzle though, nothing like the whimsical devices she and Henrik were so fond.

Roxanna looks at Henrik closely, and tiniest of threads begin to unravel in her mind. "John spoke about a lake. A lake he pulled you from. What was he talking about?" In light of what had been happening yesterday, the mention seemed inconsequential at the time. But now, it sticks out like a sore thumb.

Henrik takes a deep breath, and Roxanna can see clearly now, all the cues that indicate he is struggling. His hands are clenched in fists, but she can still see the ever so slight movement which meant there was tremor he was doing his best to control.

"Henrik. Are you OK?" He finally looks at her directly, and Roxanna is overcome with worry at how anguished he seems. She pushes the tray table out of her way and crawls to the end of the bed. She reaches over and rubs his shoulders in what she hopes is a peaceful manner. Henrik seems to have completely lost the ability to speak. He leans into her touch, and she takes this as a positive sign.

"Hey... It's me, OK. It's just me." Henrik nods his head mutely, and Roxanna takes it as an invitation to pull him into a tight embrace, tucking his head into the crook of her neck. "You mean the world to me, Henrik. Nothing would ever change that; you can tell me anything." What is the significance of the lake? There was a lake at Rigden in Boston. Roxanna can remember spending some idle afternoons in Spring there with Henrik and John. Discussing theory and skipping stones in between their spirited conversations. Was this the lake he meant?

Roxanna continues to rub the back of Henrik's shoulder, trying to show him that she was here for him. That she would always be there for him if only he would let her. It seemed like there was a never-ending duality in Henrik. There was a part of him that seemed to want to pull away from her and Roxanna has never understood why.

"I'm rather afraid you're not going see me the same way anymore." Henrik sounded surprisingly calm, but then again, he always did, even when he was uncontrolled on the inside. _Why can't you understand? Why can't you see how much I care?_   She lifts his head from her shoulder and cups his face to force him to look her in the eye. "You will always be the same Henrik to me. Always. I promise." There are unshed tears in his eyes, but he nods at her before burying his head back into the crook of her neck.

Henrik takes a long deep breath, "My mother was never the same after she'd thought my father left." His voice hums quietly into her skin. Your mother? What does she have to do with any of this? It's then that the pieces of the puzzle all come together for Roxanna. She has long known Henrik's mother had committed suicide by drowning herself in the lake by the family's house, convinced Henrik's father was already dead. He had confided in her while she had been grieving her own mother's death. The mention of his mother, a lake and the image of John pulling Henrik from the lake at Rigden all collide together. Her eyes immediately brim with tears as she realises what Henrik was trying to tell her.

Roxanna lifts his head and leans her forehead on his. "Henrik..", the turmoil is written all over his expression. This is a Henrik she has never seen before, completely open, exposed and unguarded. "Henrik. Did you try to kill yourself at Rigden?" Her voice is weepy and shaky from the revelation. Henrik ducks his eyes downwards and nods, he's crying now and can't stop herself from crying too.

"Oh, Henrik!", She sobs as pulls him back into her embrace. Roxanna vaguely thinks she is probably squeezing him too tight, but she can't stop herself. She can only wish that it was enough to take away his pain. When she brushes her fingers through his hair, she desperately yearned to brush away his hurt and anguish too.

"John found me, you see. He pulled me out of the lake. Saved my life."

Roxanna nuzzles his head, breathing in his scent, "I'm so thankful that he did." No matter what John had done to her, she would always be grateful he had been there to save Henrik. Imaging the past thirty years without him seems impossible.

"He was furious that I would do such a thing. I confided in him afterwards. About my mother, about Maja and Fredrik. And then I promised John; I would never leave him. We have never spoken about it again."

"Until yesterday." Henrik's depression had always been a concern of hers as his friend. There had always been periods where he was melancholy and unresponsive to her attempts to get him to talk. Roxanna had always encouraged him to get professional help, more than just encourage; there had been certain times where she had nagged him into submission. She now worries about the times he had hidden it from her and if there were times he was pushed to the brink without her knowledge.

"Until yesterday."

"That's why you think he's going to kill himself." John's words to Henrik are now making more sense to Roxanna. It was a secret that had kept just between the two of them, and John believed it was the foundation of their unbreakable trust.

"Yes." Henrik has cleared his throat and is regaining a semblance of his control back, but Roxanna can still feel the slight tremble in his shoulders.

"I really hope that he doesn't."

"As do I. I know it's a strange thing to say after everything that's happened. But I don't want John to die." Roxanna notices how relieved Henrik is to say it out loud like he was concerned the confession would upset her. He needn't have worried; she's too confused about her own feelings about John to be in any position to judge Henrik.

Henrik's phone suddenly buzzes insistently, and he shifts slightly in her embrace to pull it out of his scrub pocket. He looks at Roxanna apprehensively, "It's Miss Tate." before answering the call with a brusque, "Hanssen."

His face goes white as he listens to Abigail. Roxanna squeezes his hand worriedly and tries to wait patiently for Henrik to fill her in. His expression makes her uneasy, and she knows it can't be good news.

"Thank you. Please keep me informed." Henrik ends to the phone call and turns to Roxanna.

"The police have found my car."

 


	11. Chapter 11

It had been three days since they had encountered John, and still, there has been no further news.

Fear and anxiety constantly gripped Henrik's heart. And he was torn between wanting to return to work or to be by Roxanna's side. Work provided a distraction; normalcy when everything seemed to be falling apart.

Being around Roxanna seemed so important during her recovery, but since his confession about his suicide attempt, he has felt uneasy. Henrik had tried so hard over the years to conceal the true extent of his depression from her. It was hard to show Roxanna this weakness and cowardly side of himself. She would disagree with the assessment, but it does nothing to prevent the feelings rising to the surface.

On that fateful night at Rigden, everything seemed out of reach and impossible. The knowledge that Maja was pregnant had been weighing upon him. In addition to that, his father had been hounding Henrik, insistent on convincing him to marry Maja, to look after her and their son. Nothing had terrified him more than the idea of being a father. Fredrik would be much better off without Henrik, or so he had thought.

His ever-growing feelings for Roxanna had been a further complication. Before he had left Sweden, he had loved Maja and thought he had been in love with Maja. But the feelings stirred within him by Roxanna were beyond anything he could have imagined. She seemed so oblivious to the effect she had on him. Every moment he spent with Roxanna had felt like a betrayal to Maja, even though they were no longer together.

Henrik had broken with Maja before he left Sweden for Boston, Their relationship had progressed to the point of further commitment. A commitment he could not see himself making, At the time he thought he would never want to make it with anyone. Not in the state he was in, where Henrik was just as likely to hurt the ones he loved as much as he likely to hurt himself. No- he had left Sweden with the intention of making a fresh start in Boston. Little did he know he would meet the people that would mean more to him than anything else in the world.

After Henrik's car had been found, both he and Roxanna had braced themselves for the worst news about John, but no immediate news had been forthcoming. Guy had given Roxanna a clean bill of clean. Even cleared her to continue with her physiotherapy sessions. Becky had been kind enough to suggest some hydrotherapy instead, conscious enough to realise Roxanna would not want to return to the room where John had attacked.

Henrik was watching them work now. Roxanna's face is full of exertion as she forces her legs to move. Sweat beads are forming on her brow as she grunted quietly with effort

"One more Rox; and then we're done."

Roxanna nods mutely at Becky and obediently turns to make her way down the other end of the pool. She progressively slows as she gets towards the end and begins to tire.

"Excellent, Rox. You're doing so well."

Roxanna tries to hide it, but Henrik managed to catch the flash of irritation that crosses her face. Becky thinks she is encouraging, but he can tell Roxanna only feels patronised. Henrik can empathise with the sentiment; he'd probably feel the same too.

“OK Rox, we're done for today.” Becky gestures to the side rail so that Roxanna may exit the pool.

“I'm feeling really good today; I'd like to continue please.” Roxanna's expression is firm, and Henrik knows she has braced herself for a fight.

"Rox, you know I don't want you to overdo it." Becky seems to have had this same argument with Roxanna on many occasions.

"I feel fine- A little extra won't do me any harm."

"You always say that. Anyhow, I can't stay, I'm due on another ward." Becky pushes herself out the water.

Roxanna sighs resignedly, and her shoulders slump a little at being shot down. Henrik's heart aches a little at sight.

"OK. Thank you, Becky." Roxanna makes her way slowly up the stairs of the pool, out of the water.

The physiotherapist turns towards Henrik, "I trust you will help her back to Keller?" Henrik nods as Becky makes her way towards to the change rooms.

As soon as Becky is out of earshot, Roxanna looks up from where she is seated on the stairs of the pool, "I want to stay." The defiant expression she had prepared for Becky was now fully aimed at Henrik.

"…Roxanna.." Henrik can already feel his willpower weakening. She was trying so hard, to get back to normal. Whatever normal meant for the both of them now.

"Please. Just another hour. I'm going crazy in that room on Keller." It's funny how some things never change. Henrik can recall Roxanna using the same tone with the same expression on him when they were students. _Just another hour Henrik. I feel like I'm so close to a breakthrough._ Henrik had never been able to deny her back then, and he was struggling to muster an argument now.

He had nowhere in particular to be, despite the light buzzing from his phone. The constant messages, he knew, were from members on the board. There are whispers of discontent from the corridors of power, whispers Henrik doesn't want to partake in yet. Not when he had Roxanna to focus on. John's actions had the Trust baying for blood. A scapegoat and someone tangible to blame while the hunt for John continued. Henrik's instincts told him Abigail Tate's days were numbered. He's not sure exactly where the buck will stop. The blame rests on his shoulders too.

"You know, I'm more than happy to take you outside."

Roxanna shakes her head stubbornly, "But this is different from just being outside. This is productive. I feel like I'm actually achieving something." It's odd to think of Keller as a cage, Henrik knows Roxanna had spent countless hours on the ward as the clinical lead of neurosurgery. It was only weeks ago, she had to be dragged away from her work, and her obsession with Ollie's case

"Please Henrik. Don't make me go back just yet."

Henrik sighs heavily; she will not be swayed. "I haven't got my swimming trunks with me." One last gasp at changing her mind but it sounds feeble even to his ears.

Roxanna bursts into laughter and Henrik can't help but laugh with her. Even now, the human body seemed a marvel to Henrik. A puzzle they were ever trying to unlock the mysteries to its science. _Why do we react to things the way we do? Why are there people who make us feel the way we feel?_

John had always been convinced, a body's reactions to stimulus is all chemical. Molecules will be molecules. A predictable and empirical reaction can fully explain the way Henrik's breath changes when he notices the faint wrinkles on Roxanna face caused by her laughter. His brain and heart had already made up its mind to love her. A perceived imperfection to most but to Henrik it only seems to enhance her beauty. Predictable too, is the way Henrik can hear the blood rush to his ears as Roxanna's expression turns to delight as he begins to remove his shirt, quickly followed by his shoes and socks.

Henrik has never been terribly comfortable in his own skin, at least not without the help of alcohol, and he feels a little self-conscious of his scrawny frame. He decides to leave his scrub bottoms on and dips his feet into the water tentatively.

"It's not cold. I think there is a hospital policy somewhere that frowns upon the staff giving patients hypothermia." Roxanna's smile is warm and inviting.

"Yes, I believe the hospital trust is against patients leaving the hospital in a worse state than when they arrived."

She smirks at him as she waddles through the water slowly towards him.

"Bunch of ridiculous pencil pushers."

Henrik allows himself to sink fully into the water, reaching forward to steady Roxanna's balance. The pool's depth is no match for his towering height. There is still an urge to let his body float in the water, so that he may feel weightless in his limbs. Roxanna is watching him carefully, and he suddenly realises how he must look. _I'm supposed to be looking after her, not the other way around._

"Come on then. This isn't going to be productive if you don't do some actual work." Henrik holds his arms out. Roxanna accepts his arms immediately, leaning forward and Henrik slowly begins to backwards walk towards the end of the pool. She grips him firmly as she walks carefully through the water.

_She is so trusting in me. It's unfounded. I have done nothing to deserve her trust. I didn't keep her safe._

Henrik tries to push the unpleasant thoughts away to focus solely on Roxanna. Walking the through the water means she doesn't have to exert herself as much as when she is on solid ground, but her brow is still furrowed in concentration, determined to put one foot in front of the other. To continue on, press forward - where her strength comes from, he doesn't know. If Roxanna hadn't needed him, Henrik knows he may have already given in to the temptation to retreat into his shell. To lick his wounds and soothe some of the hurt caused by John. But, it has always been impossible for him to cut Roxanna off.

A quiet, peaceful silence has fallen between them. All that can be heard is the gentle strokes of water as they moved from one end of the pool to the other. Back and forth, rinse and repeat. The sound is hypnotising, and the smooth rhythmic ripples of the water soothe his noisy and active mind.

As some point, Henrik has closed his eyes. It allowed him to better focus on the music-like sounds. Roxanna's hands on his arms, wordlessly guide him up and down the pool. Her grip is warm and solid, her fingers gently caress his skin as they move as one. Henrik is so relaxed; he thinks he's going to fall asleep. Roxanna must have noticed his head becoming droopy because her grip changed into a slight squeeze.

"...Henrik.", Her voice is soft.

He opens his eyes slowly to see the slightly concerned face of Roxanna.

"I'm sorry, I'm must be more tired than I thought."

Roxanna steps more fully into his space. Running her hands up his arms and onto his shoulders. Henrik tries to still the involuntary shiver that wants to escape.

"Don't apologise. Thank you for indulging me."

Her bare arms fully encircle his shoulders, and Roxanna rests her head on his chest. Henrik becomes acutely aware that the only thing separating them was the thin fabric of Roxanna's swimming costume.

"I'm sorry. I didn't even stop to think. Does the water remind you of her?"

There is no pity in Roxanna's voice, just a quiet concern. Roxanna understood, she had always understood. That's why Henrik found it so easy to be around her, to confide in her- it was too easy. It was often a constant struggle not to give in, not to burden her with his troubles. He was too exhausted and emotionally raw from the last few days to fight it. Not when it felt so instinctive and effortless.

"Sometimes. Not always. I try to remember the more happy times with her." Henrik can picture his mother so clearly in his mind. Always seemingly happy and smiling. As a child, he was completely oblivious to the depression that plagued her life.

"I can remember being a young boy and swimming in the lake in the summer. My mother would sit by the pier to watch over me and just let me spend hours floating. Feeling free."

"That sounds wonderful." Roxanna's warm voice hums against his chest.

"It was." There is nothing like that freedom and weightlessness. A sudden instinct overtakes him as he pulls Roxanna more fully against his body. He leans backwards, all the way until he feels their legs float to the surface and the water laps against his ears.

He rolls her over in the water so that her back rests against his check. Roxanna had gasped quietly at the unexpected movement but quickly relaxes in his embrace.

"After she died, I never swam in our lake again.…I still love the water, but I could never bring myself to go in; not without her."

Roxanna squeezes his hands comfortingly, and Henrik closes his eyes again, trying to lose himself in the feeling of Roxanna in his arms and weightlessness of the water.

 

* * *

  
The physiotherapy with Becky and extra session in the pool with Henrik had completely exhausted Roxanna. Once Jason and Henrik return her to Keller, she changed into a fresh pair of pyjamas and fell asleep immediately as her head hit the pillow.

When she wakes hours later, Henrik is conspicuously absent. Her solitude is short-lived as Meena enters to check on her head dressing. The older one has become loosened from her time in the pool and Menna starts to apply a fresh one in its place.

"How are you feeling?" The young surgeon was still apprehensive around her, but Roxanna could tell she was trying her best to overcome the awkwardness.

"Good. I'm tired from the workout today. But I'm feeling good."

Meena smiles at her, "I'm so glad to hear that." She moves Roxanna so she can gain better access to the wound her head.

"I was so worried when I heard what Professor Gaskell had done to you and Mr Hanssen."

Roxanna winces slightly at the mention of John. She and Henrik were beside themselves with worry, but it was so hard to explain this to their colleagues.

"Do you know if the police have found anything yet?"

"No, Miss Campbell told me they were checking the lake where Mr Hanssen's car was found, but I haven't heard anything since." Roxanna is still clinging to hope that John had simply abandoned the car. She turns her attention to Meena so that she focus on something else.

"And you, Meena? How are you doing?" Meena was still mostly based on AAU but was making the occasional foray back into the Keller.

"I'm OK. AAU is quite different from Keller, but it's fine." Meena sounds resigned to her fate. AAU was not punishment for any F1, but the way she had seemingly been banished there by John will always make it seem as such.

Roxanna feels a pang of regret at the young surgeon's tone. _I should have stood my ground more with John._ Roxanna should have never let John get away with the way he treated Meena. Meena could be annoying and exasperating at the best of times, but one should not be made to feel useless. Worse than useless, John in his efforts to control them all, had made Meena feel worthless.

"I'm sure you're up to any challenge Miss Campbell throws your way." Maybe it's not too late. Roxanna dares to hope a little as she notices Meena seems to straighten her back and square her shoulders at Roxanna's gentle praise.

"I have to say, I'm not enjoying it as much as Neuro, but it keeps me busy."

Roxanna gives her a wry smile, "A wise man once told me, Neuro is not the centre of the universe….As much as it pains me to admit, there is some truth in the statement." Meena looks at her unconvincingly, and Roxanna tries to the smother the laughter bubbling inside of her from the expression. She's sure it's an expression she would have worn on many occasions in her youth.

"You're at the earliest stages of your career, Meena. If Neuro is truly where you want to go, there'll be plenty of time to get there. Focus on refining your surgical skills- there is still a lot to be learned in General Surgery."

Meena nods her head slowly, digesting Roxanna's words. "I think I was spoilt by how much exposure I had early on…You're right; I should make the most of my time on AAU."

"A wise course of action Dr Chowdhury. The greatest of surgical specialists, also need to recognise the expertise of their colleagues." Henrik has entered the room stealthily and has seemingly appeared out of nowhere. _It's his superpower._ Roxanna thinks mirthfully.

Meena looks at Henrik, startled. "Oh, Mr Hanssen, I didn't see you there." She quickly finished her task and made her departure.

"I'm glad you're looking so well Roxanna. I'll see you later." She nods her head at Henrik before ducking quickly out the door.

"I never thought, I'd hear the day you tell someone- Neuro isn't the centre of the universe." Roxanna can't help but smile at his teasing. Henrik comes closer to the side of her bed, and as soon as he is within reach, she thwacks him playfully on the arm.

"Well perhaps today is your lucky day, and you should go out and buy a lottery ticket." Henrik's expression sobers at her words and Roxanna wants to kick herself for her own daftness. The light teasing between them quickly evaporates.

"You know, I don't believe in luck. But I can't help but think how unbelievably unlucky we've been.

Roxanna strokes the side of his arm, before threading their fingers together to squeeze his hand.

"I know it doesn't feel like it, Henrik. But, things could've been worse."

Roxanna doesn't want him to feel like she's dismissing his statement, but lately, when she found herself struggling with being incapacitated, it was the only way she could find the strength to push on.

There were times when the closeness of her mortality still caused immobilising anxiety. It's not only her most recent brush with death that plays on her mind. Fredrik's shooting rampage was less than a year ago. Roxanna had barely recovered from that before throwing herself into John's trial. Yes- they had been terribly unlucky. But still, they had survived, which is more than they can say for David or Raf.

Henrik is deep in thought and far away. She tugs on his hand to get his attention and his head quickly whips towards her. He stares at her intensely, Roxanna feels naked- exposed under his gaze.

"…Roxanna." He whispers her name softly, and she can't quite pinpoint his tone. There is affection… there always was….but did she detect a hint of longing? Or was that more wishful thinking? Nonetheless, Henrik's tone gives her goosebumps.

He leans forward towards her, and for a split second, Roxanna thinks he's going to kiss her. Instead, he presses his lips on her temple and rests his forehead on hers.

"You don't know how grateful I am that you're OK."

Roxanna closes her eyes and tries to concentrate on Henrik. The warmth of his breath mingling with hers. To focus on nothing but him. There is still a tiny voice that bleeds through her consciousness. A voice that sounds suspiciously like John. _But you're not OK, are you Rox?_ She squeezes her eyes and tries to banish the thoughts. Roxanna doesn't have the courage to ruin Henrik's faint optimism. Not today.  



End file.
